There are all kinds of time and we’ve each developed a diverse menu of time types. How each individual handles time and how time decisions affect others are often a source of conflict. Time causes conflicts. Time can resolve conflicts too.
Consider the variety of what the word late means. In one culture showing up an hour past the time is not late, especially for a social occasion. In another culture folks line up at the door to ring the bell at the exact invited moment. These time norms creep into interpersonal interactions with misunderstandings arising.
Conflict resolvers are well advised to think about time as a conflict factor, and to also consider time as a conflict resolution tool. New mediators are often astonished that when mediation session number two happens and disputants have entirely transformed. The likely factor was the time allowed for the disputants to sleep on the issues, become relaxed with the situation and adjust to the possibilities. All of this takes time.
Most people talk about time using the same words but intend them differently. Mediators who identify these differences can note them and invite parties to discuss how these differences affect their relationship. “Jay you said you would get to fixing the leak ‘soon.’ I’m wondering if you could explain to Paul what the word 'soon' means to you when you say it….Paul when you hear the word ‘soon’ I’m wondering what you assumed that this word meant in terms of fixing the leak.”
I know we have superheroes among us, however if you have a very intensely scheduled day leading into a mediation session, consider giving yourself a refreshing break before you put other’s conflicts in your hands. Your own personal time management, including getting enough sleep the night before and planning for your bodily needs for food, rest and de-stressing are all part of what you sign up for when you become a mediator. Create the time you need to be the best mediator you can be.
We all can think of an experience where five minutes went by in flash and other times when those were the five longest minutes of your life. Time is relative in so many ways. If a conflict seems intractable, consider where time is a factor and how it is affecting the conflict’s structure. As mediators, coaches, conflict resolvers and in our everyday lives it may be helpful to regularly view our world through a time lens to see our way forward toward the future, armed with time on our side. Read more here including tips for mediators.