FOUNDATION FRIDAY: CONFLICT RESOLUTION BUILDING BLOCKS

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

FOUNDATION FRIDAY: CONFLICT RESOLUTION BUILDING BLOCKS

Core Conflict Resolution Concepts

You can't change anyone but yourself

Trying to change other people

After decades of work in the conflict resolution world, there's something that happens quite often. Let's set up the scenario. An individual takes a conflict resolution class. They learn about an approach to conflict and begin to use the approach. Try their best. And here's what their feedback sounds like:

• I tried that approach. It doesn't work. My husband was supposed to do_______( fill in the blank)____. Instead he did _____(the opposite of what I thought/wanted/was trying to get him to do)_____. This conflict resolution stuff doesn't work!

Conflict resolution techniques are not manipulation or coercion. In fact they are the opposite. When we try a new approach such as; question construction or a focus on detecting interests underneath positions or better listening techniques we are not working on the other person. We are working on ourselves. Building our tool box. Expanding our repetoire. Taking responsibility for our own part in the conflict.

You can't change anyone but yourself.

We've all tried. It doesn't work. This is the exciting and interesting part of human life. We never know what another person is going to do. We plan and strategize and outline. And then the other person does something unexpected. People are always unpredictable. That's life.

In conflict resolution work, we are creating a reservoir of tools and techniques for the individual to use. For themselves. To be a better conflict resolver. To make the conflicts in our lives go more smoothly and work toward mutually satisfying resolution. What others do will impact us, and then we move on to plan B or C etc, etc. Try different tools and techniques. At the end of the day, we can only control our own actions and try to hone our own skills.

Corona Virus and taking our own personal responsibility

Have you ever thought to yourself: If everyone would just do things just the way I think they should, the world would be a better place? I have. This recent crisis is a monumental test of all of our abilities to cope, adjust, learn and survive. And putting up with other people who are doing what we think they shouldn't is a major challenge.

So this is a perfect time to practice the thought process: I can't change anyone but myself. Is everyone else not taking things seriously? Use your best conflict resolution listening techniques to understand what they are thinking about. Are people not staying six feet apart? Take responsibility for yourself, you yourself stay six feet away. Are you confronting the inevitable challenges of conflicts that arise from self-quarantine? Focus on what you can do based on conflict resolution best practices.

Put on your own mask before assisting others

We all know this metaphoric admonition on the airplane. In the event of a loss of oxygen...adjust your own mask before attempting to assist others. Now is the time to work on what will help you. Take ten minutes to quietly meditate. Do internet research on active listening techniques. Watch TED talks on building cooperative problem solving. Garden. Sleep. Write. Reach out.

Our organization has had to adjust. We are continuing to provide services by video or telephone conferences. Social service agencies are available remotely. Seek the support you need. Call our office or send an email if you think we can help. We are all in this together.

Do this:

• Take this quiz. Week One Quiz How did you do?

• If you find yourself focusing on what someone else is doing that you don't like, shift your focus. Check yourself: Can I try a new way of looking at this? What do I want to know about the other person? Am I doing something that I can adjust?

• Here's a tried and true technique to change your focus. You've got a small conflict. On a piece of paper make two columns. In the first column, write down 10 things the other person is doing that bother you--try to get to 10 or as many as you can think of. Then in the column next to each item, write down at least one thing you can do to make things better. Focus on what you can do, not what you want the other person to do.

Article here You can't change anyone by yourself

If you missed Day 1, 2, 3 or 4, here they are:

Thoughts about conflict https://conta.cc/3d565pG

Conflict Styles https://conta.cc/38URE4h

Listening better https://conta.cc/38Z4rTj

Make friends with feelings ttps://conta.cc/33uxop7

Have a great weekend. We will be back on Monday. Get out in nature if you can. The sun is shining, or it will! - Sara

Learn To Listen Better

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

Learn To Listen Better

Want respect?

Listen better.

Think of people you admire. A leader, an expert, a mentor, someone you can rely on. What do these people all have in common? They are good at the skill, art, craft, and science of listening.

The skill of listening

Just like any skill, it takes practice, practice, practice. Try a self-improvement listening project - build your listening muscles. Face another person. Turn off your other thoughts. Postpone conclusions and judgements. Open up your mind to the other person and work hard at listening. Want to check how you are doing? Paraphrase or repeat back to the person. Say, "I'd like to see if I've got it. Is this what you just said?" Say back what you think you heard and see if the person recognizes their message.

The art of listening

Use your creative self while you work to be a great listener. Make pictures in your mind of what the person is saying. Not your own story, their story. Zone in on body language and tone--do you see or hear something that provides more information beyond the words?

Keep track of your own body language. Stay calm and open to what is being said. Find your own creative system to stay on track with what the other person is saying and what the meaning is behind the words.

The craft of listening

There are rules and structures that work if you want to be a good listener. Find a good place for a talk, don't try to multi task--you can't, no one can. Make encouraging moves or sounds, to show you are there with the speaker and that you are interested and listening.

With difficult topics, ask if you can summarize or paraphrase what is said. Don't let your answer, conclusion or personal experience emerge to hijack the conversation. Listening is not about you, it is about the other person. In your mind, think about these questions: What are they saying? What are they not saying? What are you learning about the person? Why are they telling you this? What do they seek from you as the listener?

Then ask questions--good solid real questions. First clarify information. Find out facts or check on details that are important to understand. Then ask deeper questions that are more open ended. Don't tell your own story. Don't provide your judgement. Don't tell the person what to do. Don't diminish the person or their values. Lift them up with the gift of your attentive listening.

The science of listening

Two people, sitting together and talking is a balm for life's wounds. We are social beings. We need to know someone appreciates our own ideas and experiences. Listening equals empathy. Blood pressure improves. Adrenaline and stress response returns to neutral. Muscles relax. Breathing calms. A warm feeling of calm develops. Trust builds. Respect increases. It's pretty amazing the actual physical and psychological effects that being listened to can have.

Here's the surprising part. The listener receives all the above positive effects along with the listened to person. We mirror each other's status when we spend time together. When you open your mind to listen to another person, it benefits you too. And if you have to be on a video call or phone to talk, use your voice to promote togetherness and calmness.

Conflict resolution and listening

Professional mediators, conflict coaches and others in the conflict resolution world know that their first and most important tool in the tool box is listening. This is how we do our work, looking underneath the words for the most important information--the needs, interests, values and identity of the speaker. If we are good at listening, there's no room for our own agenda or personal biases. We open our minds and do our very best listening in order to find potent foundation upon which to resolve conflict.

Do this: Ask someone in your life to help you to become a better listener. Ask the person to notice if you are listening well or not. Try to paraphrase - repeat back - what someone says.

How did you do? Are you picking up what the other person is saying or substituting your own ideas and vocabulary? Stick with it and be easy on yourself. Practice makes a little better -- there is no perfect. We are all in training.

• Listen for figurative language to understand better what the person is saying. Do they use more sports, gardening, travel, boating vocabulary?

• Watch their body language, what do you see?

• Work on your follow up questions, removing your own judgement and conclusions--really ask to hear the other person's thoughts and ideas.

• Don't let yourself believe you are multi tasking--especially when someone is trying to talk with you about something important. Give them your full attention. Put the phone down.

Watch a video about the craft and science of listening here--watch till the end for the RASA approach: Listening Ted Talk.

Or read an article Listening to loved ones or Listening at work