The movie theater was dark and cool on a warm day. I was a little tentative meeting my new romantic interest’s sister for the first time. The movie was already a big deal, but it hadn’t been on my radar.
Mediator Musings: Self Improvement
By: Sara Barnes
It’s been a whirlwind month and with all the pressing matters, both personal and professional, I haven’t found the quiet time I need to write.
I’ve been collecting graphics about various self-improvement topics. Conflict resolution in all its forms involves people working toward making things better—often including the hard work toward self-improvement. I hope these are helpful for you in your journey.
Here they are, in no particular order:
Managing Stress—Less stress, less unresolved conflict. Stress can feed conflict.
Communicating effectively—We all need to get better at saying what we mean.
Self-confidence—With confidence, we can face conflicts and keep ourselves on track.
Time Management––Conflicts involve aspects of time. More time management = less conflict.
Being Resilient—Change is challenging; build your resilience muscles, reduce conflict.
Managing Your Brain—Our amazing human brain is our biggest asset to help resolve conflict.
Personal Control—Understanding what you do/don’t control helps with conflict analysis.
Body Language—A huge percentage of conflict is affected by body language choices.
Handling Your Biases—Biases = conflict, but there is much that can be done to help.
Improving Your Memory—Keeping track of details helps to avoid conflicts.
Overcoming Obstacles—Obstacles are not always conflicts if we reframe our thinking.
Building Trust—Conflict is more easily resolved when trust is built or rebuilt.
Being a Leader—We all have leadership capacity; positive leaders can prevent conflicts.
Emotional Intelligence—The more work in this area, the stronger the conflict resolver.
Making a Difference—We all want to make helpful changes for the better.
Understanding other Generations—More work on biases; information helps.
Learning Organizations—Blame and shame can be replaced with learning and teamwork.
Read the full version of this Mediation Musings essay here.
Mediator Musings: Awe
by Sara Barnes
“Ma,” his whispered voice came. He was in Switzerland––it sounded dire. This was going to be bad, I was sure. My son’s voice came softer, calmer: “Mom, I’m standing on the top of a mountain, it’s amazing. It’s . . . I can’t explain it, it’s . . . let me FaceTime you so you can see.” In the window of the phone, I could only see sun and white. He turned the phone, and I saw in his 30-year-old face something I hadn’t seen since his childhood. A beatific smile, smooth forehead, wide eyes and something that looked like peacefulness. My son was struck by awe.
What is awe?
The usual definition of awe involves the person’s awareness of vastness. The classic awe experience is that of the astronaut looking back at the Earth within the huge expanse of space and being astounded and emotionally overcome. A person takes in their sense of amazement and wonder, and an emotional reaction occurs. Moments of awe can be profoundly moving, with many suggesting that their worldview can shift dramatically as a result.
I think back on moments where awe has found me––memories of nature, music, death and loss inspiring awe in me. More often, though, I have been awestruck by the actions of others, the kindness, creativity and profound actions of humanity by everyday people living their lives. People are truly amazing, and I am humbled regularly by the actions of others.
Awe and conflict resolvers
I thought about some of the best mediators I have known. I remember one mediator, long ago, telling me something like: I think of myself with the whole world as my guide, so I don’t get so carried away with myself or the details. Other model mediators talk about maintaining “the beginner’s mind” or “unending curiosity.”
We may not be looking back at the planet from space; here on the ground, we have to imagine the astounding beauty and unexpected peace of the moment when the conflict becomes resolved and disputants move on with their lives into a better future. Those of us who work regularly with others in conflict might be well served by taking a moment to think about the work within a larger frame. The drop in the pond that ripples out, as a metaphor for our conflict resolution services, might be a way to access a small and significant sense of awe.
Read a longer version with description of hostage negotiators and awe.
Mediator Musings: Managers
Mediation Musings: Center
For forty years, our name has included the word program. It’s a perfectly good word. We use program with this meaning: plan of action to achieve a specific result. Starting when we became a program of the Edgartown Court in 1984, and going forward to the present, the word “program” has been there, indicating our plan to promote and provide mediation services, with the mission of helping individuals and organizations to resolve their conflicts amicably.
Mediation Musings: Turning Forty
About 40 years ago, right around the time she began writing her seminal article The Logic Behind the Magic of Mediation, Albie Davis came to Martha’s Vineyard to help provide training for the court-sponsored program, which was then just one year old. In that journal article Davis wrote: “I’ve never mediated a case where I didn’t see a little piece of myself in each of the parties, the best and the worst of their qualities. I knew I could be in their shoes . . .”
Mediator Musings: Generations
Mediator Musings: Others, Us, Belonging
Mediation Musings: Family
We’ve all got families: birth, chosen, adoptive, step, nuclear, extended. Whatever type of family is yours, along with the joys and shared milestones, there’s sure to be a common factor: conflict. Although each family constellation is unique and special and may be united by love, respect, and shared values, all families do have some unresolved conflicts. In my experience, there are common family conflict themes. Money, communication, and time are three familiar topics.
Mediation Musings: Time
Mediation Musings: Stay in Your Lane
Mediation Musings: Conflict History
How and when and where did you learn about how to handle conflicts? Most of us have learned our personal conflict management approaches from the modeling of others. Throughout your life you were watching, observing, considering, and trying out new methods and developing your own style as a conflict resolver.
Mediation Musings: Optimism
It’s rough out there. Wars, atrocities, mass shootings, global warming, toxic polarization, free-floating anger and anxiety. We are often asked at MV Mediation about what we can do about world problems. Global conflicts and intractable societal problems weigh heavily on conflict resolvers’ minds just as they do for everyone. I thought that I’d offer approaches that have helped me, thinking they might help others during difficult times.
Mediation Musings: Clarity, Consistency, and Dog Negotiation
A number of years ago a friend was having difficulties with her son. I thought that watching the kind and firm dog trainer on TV might help her to learn how to stay more consistent and clear with her son. A few weeks later she had recorded a number of episodes, and her son asked her, “Are we getting a dog?”
Mediation Musings: Metaphors, Symbols, Figurative Language
Conflict and dispute resolution is a difficult process for folks to wrap their heads around. As mediators and other conflict resolution service providers seek help participants, they find themselves drawing upon various types of figurative and symbolic language. As Tammy Lenski, conflict resolution researcher and practitioner, writes: “The way we frame a problem has a powerful impact on the solutions we can see . . . metaphor(s) orients us differently to a conflict and influences how we think, act, and resolve it.”
Mediation Musings: Monsters Are People, Too
Mediation Musings: June Freedom
Honeysuckle scent, sleeping late, warm days with no schedule, corn on the cob, fireflies. These describe my childhood memories of June freedom. I grew up in the Northeast of the United States, where the summer season was eagerly awaited throughout the cold and dank months. June freedom meant our lives were free and easy.
Mediation Musings: Timing, Design, and Saying Yes
“My dad told me that if someone needs you, they call you, and if they need you, you go.” Most experienced mediators have said something similar to this quote from Jerry Roscoe. He is the mediator that was called in at the eleventh hour to the Dominion/Fox court case. If you haven’t been paying attention, the case settled at the very last minute, as attorneys were loading up their court slide decks and the jury was ready to be seated.
Mediation Musings: The Macro/Micro of Conflict History
My sidekick NPR radio and I were driving to the boat. This followed a busy visit off-island to see family. On the radio was Jon Meacham, the historian, suggesting which historical era was most similar to the present day. “I thought that our current moment was like 1933 or 1968.” I started thinking about history. 1933––post financial crash, labor movement, and rise of fascism. 1968––civil rights, women’s movement, Vietnam. Interesting thought experiment.
Mediation Musings: Half the Sky
I had no idea how revolutionary the times were. In 1972, I learned the Chinese saying “Women hold up half the sky.” It represented my dreams and aspirations. What an exciting picture from halfway around the world of women working and collaborating. This was not a world of men, but of men and women, each equal and valuable! The revelatory concept of having international sisters uplifted me and gave me hope.