You know about lanes. The remarkable thing about street lanes is that they are understood, respected, and effective for drivers as we all go about our lives. People stay in their lanes without a whole lot of fuss and bother. We count on lanes to keep things simple, safe, and predictable.
I’ve been asking mediators I meet lately about the concept of a mediation lane. One recounted a lawyer instructing him that what he was doing was “not mediation” ––the mediator had brought a hypothetical solution forward––and “you’re not supposed to suggest anything.” Another mediator recalled a client who clearly was looking for therapeutic support saying, “You’re supposed to ask me how I feel––and just so you know, I feel angry.” A recent workshop had a mediator leave halfway through, sending me a message that the focus of the meeting, including mediators summarizing what clients said, was not mediation. “I’ve been a mediator for a long time. The only thing I’m allowed to do is ask questions.”
Our work is built on the ancient practice of the third person taking the neutral role. Yet mediation, as an organized, funded, researched, and established field, is a relatively new professional practice. Now, as we look at the result of 50-plus years, it’s great to see we’ve come a long way in creating shared norms and values. We’ve got lanes . . . ish.
Mediators, Therapists, and Lawyers
When mediators refer to staying within in lane boundaries, in my experience they are usually referring to two other professional lanes that are generally adjacent. These are the lawyer laneand the therapist lane.
Even those without formal training in psychology can find themselves taking on the therapist role—they may have been in therapy themselves, and/or they are more familiar with it due to popular cultural references. An overly simplistic way to sort the two roles out is that therapy is about psychological past patterns, to gain understanding. Mediation is about conflict resolution, looking to plan into the future.
If a mediator is an attorney, they have the difficult task of setting their intensive law training aside and focusing on the decision-making capacity of the parties. Overall, though, mediators are not supposed to give legal advice. As neutrals we cannot simultaneously be multi-partial, which is what mediators do, while zealously advancing the interest of both clients, which is what lawyers do.
I had the idea to search for songs with the phrase “stay in your lane.” I found almost 20 songs. Core themes were:
1. don’t mess with my romantic partner.
2. keep plugging and working hard and you will be successful.
3. the micro culture I live in is great, and other others are not. STAY IN YOUR LANE!
The way the phrase “stay in your lane” is used in these songs has helped me to figure out how it fits with mediation practice. I’ve come up with a parallel construction.
1. Don’t mess with giving legal advice or therapeutic analysis; stay being a mediator.
2. Put strong effort and your whole attention into the work and you will become a better mediator.
3. We are developing cultural expectations for mediators and, well, I can’t make a parallel here for good reason––our work is great and necessary—and so are other professional roles. It’s a collaborative endeavor, not a competitive team sport.
There are lanes.
For a longer version, including the stay in your lane playlist, read here.