TUESDAY: CONFLICT STYLES

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

TUESDAY: CONFLICT STYLES

Conflict Styles are learned

Five Conflict Styles

The five conflict styles, Avoid, Accommodate, Compete, Compromise, Collaborate describe most approaches to conflict. Where do these approaches come from? They are learned.

During conflict resolution courses, we put people together in small groups. "What did you learn in your home before you were five about how conflict is resolved?" Everyone gets time to talk and consider their memories. The next question: "How about in school in your first years?" Then: "Talk about conflict in your first love relationship." And: "Talk about conflict lessons from the workplace." Our conflict resolution lives are built upon the stacked up lessons from our lived culture and current events.

Family models for conflict styles

By reviewing these experiences, individuals can develop an understanding of where they have picked up messages about conflict. As in most core concepts, the family is the strongest teacher. "My mother avoided all conflict, in fact from her point of view, there were no conflicts." This quote comes from a workshop participant who was considering why she feels so uncomfortable acknowledging any conflict. Another person in the workshop recounts how she was taught to compete and be aggressive when conflict develops. "My grandfather always told me, don't swing first, but make sure you are the last one to land a blow and make sure you win." A first generation citizen from an immigrant family recounts, "I realized my family was so fearful, they put up with everything and never tried to advance their own cause."

Workplace conflict

For many, the workplace is not a location where positive approaches to conflict are modeled. We have bosses who don't collaborate or colleagues who utilize unsuccessful conflict styles. At work, where many of us spend most of our waking hours, these approaches become solidified in the organizational culture. The conflict elephant grows and takes up more space, negatively affecting the lives of all those in the workplace.

What has been learned can be revised

The good news is that we can all learn new ways to resolve conflict. And as we work to collaborate with others in order to come to agreement, to compromise in a healthy way, to use our creative problem solving process; we help to model for others a better way. At home, our children will learn better methods for conflict resolution than the ones we adopted by default.

Do this:

• Look at the chart again. Which style did you learn at home? As a young adult? As an adult? From whom did you see these styles modeled?

• Look for models of compromise and collaboration/creative problem solving. Keep a chart of where you see these models throughout your life. Find good models to study.

• Set a goal for yourself with regard to your conflict style. Try a new style. Tell someone close to you that you are going to try a new way, see if they can work with you to do this.

• Read this article about conflict styles in the family Family conflict styles

• Read this article about conflict styles in the workplace Workplace conflict styles

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The Five Stages of Conflict

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

MONDAY CONFLICT CONCEPTS

The Five Stages of Conflict

Conflict has predictable stages

We become aware of conflicts in a wide variety of ways.

• "That conflict came out of the blue. Boom!"

• "It was brewing for a long time. Like a slow-motion train wreck.."

• "We have never seen eye to eye."

• "All seemed to be going well, but under the surface.."

• "I genuinely had no idea we had a problem..."

In whichever way they begin, conflicts tend to have similar paths going through five distinct stages.

Stage One- Latent

A conflict has an early quiet stage. In conflict resolution theory it is called the latent stage, meaning the participants are not yet aware of the conflict, but there may be hidden frustrations and they may surface at any time. Sometimes these brewing or buried conflicts never find their way to the open air. Other times the conflict is looming and evident. And sometimes conflicts come without warning.

Stage Two- Perceived and Felt

Once a conflict develops and it is known, it goes through the perceived and felt stage. Parties may go through this stage simultaneously or at different times, depending upon events. Once they are aware that a conflict exists, individuals begin to feel stress, anxiety and/or hostility.

Stage Three- Conflict Approach

Next each person involved in the dispute adopts an approach. These are based upon their conflict style choice and their own intention for handling the conflict. In Day 2 we learned about the basic conflict styles of Compete, Avoid, Accommodate, Compromise, and Collaborate/Creative Problem Solve. These approaches make a difference in what happens next.

Stage Four- Stalemate or Negotiate

Depending on what strategy is used in Stage 3, the conflict will either move forward, negotiate toward an agreement; or the dialogue will be shut down and a standoff will develop.

Stage Five- Aftermath

The outcome of the conflict can range from a fully positive resolution to the alternate; a relationship dissolution. In conflicts that are a one time event, this may be the end. For those with ongoing relationships this process looks less like a singular mountain, like the figure above and more like an ongoing loop.

Why pay attention to stages?

Our work is to know more about conflict in order to address these situations in a thoughtful and enlightened way. When you are thinking about how to handle a conflict, looking at where things stand along the typical route, can help.

Do this:

• Use this. Take a look at the step by step approach in the figure below and see if you can take a conflict and track how it has proceeded through the stages.

• Read this. A longish chapter but lots of great info here: Five stages of conflict.

• Try this. If you have a conflict moving from the the latent stage into the perceived & felt stage, tell the person you are aware of the conflict. See what they say. Did they know there was a conflict? If not, now they do. You can then say, "I would like to work this out. Can we talk?" Then use your best listening skills to find out what is driving the conflict from the other person's point of view.