CONFLICT COMPONENTS - UNDERLYING NEEDS

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - UNDERLYING NEEDS

Underlying Needs and Conflict

Human needs drive conflict

Our lives are made up of the drive to satisfy needs. From the human need for food, water and sleep to the need for fulfilling relationships and the need for meaningful work, we can trace our life history through the process of meeting our needs.

Does having needs mean I'm needy?

The language plays tricks on us in this case. Being needy has come to mean that we aren't self sufficient and it has a bad connotation. That's different than what we do all day, every day for 24 hours a day. We satisfy our needs.

Need for Connection--I'll call my sister. Need to quench my Thirst--get a drink of water. Need for Security-check that I locked the car door. Need for increased Comfort--Turn up the heat. Need for Rest--go to sleep. All those bold words above are needs. We are so used to how the day goes, we don't really notice them, but they are there.

Not just you, everyone else.

Its enough for most of us to just get through the day and strive to meet our own needs. Yet, right alongside all of us are other people in our lives and with whom we interact who are doing the exact same thing. Working to satisfy their own needs. And although we are all human and have similar needs, they don't always intersect gracefully. By you working to meet your own needs, you are impacting on my ability to meet my needs. So we have conflicts.

Look through the needs lens

It's helpful to start to think about the actions of others in terms of meeting needs. Just making use of this lens helps to open up a whole new way of seeing what others are doing--especially when they are in conflict with our own way of thinking. Here's the way to use this lens.

• The other person is doing/has done something with which I am in conflict (fill in the blank)______________

• What's my need?____________

• What do I think is the other person's need?____________.

Needs are not good or bad

This process doesn't work if you are going to then allow yourself to negatively judge other's needs. Needs just are needs. They aren't good or bad. Sometimes what seems like one need on the surface ends up being an underlying need that is something entirely different, and if we get up close and learn more about the other person, they are just trying the best they can to meet their own needs.

In the 1940s Maslow came up with the idea of the Hierarchy of Needs, meaning that there are some basic foundational needs and other levels that layer on top of those. Maslow thought it was a step by step process, but since then we have seen it can be much more random than that. See the image below for the basic idea of this.

Present public health crisis

Our needs quickly shifted a few weeks ago. We may have been seeking to meet our need for self-fulfillment and enlightenment and then with a swiftness we never expected, our needs today are more focused on the basics of food and safety. This moment is difficult for everyone and our coping skills are being put to the test. It may be a good environment for becoming more aware of the concepts of needs--your own and others.

Do this:

• Start to walk through your days using the needs lens. Here's a list of needs--many more than you likely thought of. Big list of needs.

• Read this short article reviewing the connection between needs and conflict. Underlying needs

• Video describing Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Maslow's hierarchy of needs video

WEDNESDAY SKILL: LEARN TO USE NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

WEDNESDAY SKILL: LEARN TO USE NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

Language Matters:

Turn accusations into questions

Paulo Freire, Brazilian educational theorist, famously said "language is not neutral." Linguists agree with this, all language and vocabulary have some intention, shade of meaning, implication, cultural effect. So then should we give up on improving our language use? No way.

Turn accusations into questions

Even without much change in vocabulary, a really great way to create a better foundation for positive conflict resolution, is to reorient accusations. Turn accusations, even if you are pretty certain that the conclusion is correct, into an open and sincere question.

Here's some examples of accusations:

• You took the car even though you knew I needed it!

• I know you tried to undermine me and set me up with the boss!

• You always expect me to pay and you know I can't afford it!

• I know you are trying to steal my boyfriend, I saw how you looked at him!

Sound familiar?

How do you reorient an accusation?

Step One. Start with the beginning of the sentence. Look above at the list, they all begin with "You," "You always" or "I know." What happens to a person when they hear a statement that starts that way? We are generally on guard. Right from the beginning it seems to be setting up the weaponry to lob a missile--the other person gets ready to fight, defend or take cover. Not such a great way to begin to communicate, right?

Instead start with a few open-ended question stems:

• I wonder...

• I've been thinking about...

• I've got a question...

• Would you help me to understand...

These beginnings and many others, provide an invitation to the other person to communicate and participate.

Step Two--Tone and attitude

Next, let's remove the exclamation point, which requires a lowered tone. If you are initiating the conversation, the necessity is for calmness and openness and not rushing forward headlong. And to put your assumptions aside and be open to the possibility that what you are concluding might be faulty.

To lower your tone, you need to ask yourself, 'Am I trying to hurt the other person or am I trying to solve the problem?' If you honestly want to hurt the other person, take a break, re-evaluate, focus on why you want to ultimately preserve the connection. Then, when you are calm, try the next step.

Step three-- Revise

The third step is to reorient the accusation and turn it into a question. The statements above then become:

• I wonder if you took the car even though you knew I needed it? or I wonder why you took the car? Did you know that I needed it?

• I've been thinking about this...I know you tried it seemed like you were trying to undermine me. Did you try to set me up with the boss? or Did you think about how this would affect me with the boss?

• Would you help me to understand...You always it seems to me that you expect me to pay and you know I can't afford it? or Did you know that I can't afford it?

• I know you are trying to steal my boyfriend, I've got a question..I saw how you looked at him .... I'm wondering...what did that mean?

Remove You, You always and I know

Unless someone says "You are the most amazing person" (Say this more!) or "I know where some great dessert is" (Yum) or "You always have the best ideas (Thanks); work to remove these starts to any communication. They don't work.

It is so difficult to change habits, don't be hard on yourself. Setting up the intention to try a new way of talking is the first step--and every journey starts right there.

Do this:

• Think about how you start a difficult conversation. Are you setting up a war or conversation? Consider how you start things off. Put some effort into working to set up an invitation with your words and remove accusations.

• Search for accusations in your daily life. Try to see if you can use the tools above to transform them.

• Or read a related article on communication Intimate relationships or Workplace relationships.

There are a lot of further topics within this discussion. Look for future articles on Judgement, Blame/Shame, Pride, Defensiveness, Assumptions, Loaded questions and Better questioning among others. Do you have a topic, let us know.

Good luck with your journey.

TUESDAY: CONFLICT STYLES

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

TUESDAY: CONFLICT STYLES

Conflict Styles are learned

Five Conflict Styles

The five conflict styles, Avoid, Accommodate, Compete, Compromise, Collaborate describe most approaches to conflict. Where do these approaches come from? They are learned.

During conflict resolution courses, we put people together in small groups. "What did you learn in your home before you were five about how conflict is resolved?" Everyone gets time to talk and consider their memories. The next question: "How about in school in your first years?" Then: "Talk about conflict in your first love relationship." And: "Talk about conflict lessons from the workplace." Our conflict resolution lives are built upon the stacked up lessons from our lived culture and current events.

Family models for conflict styles

By reviewing these experiences, individuals can develop an understanding of where they have picked up messages about conflict. As in most core concepts, the family is the strongest teacher. "My mother avoided all conflict, in fact from her point of view, there were no conflicts." This quote comes from a workshop participant who was considering why she feels so uncomfortable acknowledging any conflict. Another person in the workshop recounts how she was taught to compete and be aggressive when conflict develops. "My grandfather always told me, don't swing first, but make sure you are the last one to land a blow and make sure you win." A first generation citizen from an immigrant family recounts, "I realized my family was so fearful, they put up with everything and never tried to advance their own cause."

Workplace conflict

For many, the workplace is not a location where positive approaches to conflict are modeled. We have bosses who don't collaborate or colleagues who utilize unsuccessful conflict styles. At work, where many of us spend most of our waking hours, these approaches become solidified in the organizational culture. The conflict elephant grows and takes up more space, negatively affecting the lives of all those in the workplace.

What has been learned can be revised

The good news is that we can all learn new ways to resolve conflict. And as we work to collaborate with others in order to come to agreement, to compromise in a healthy way, to use our creative problem solving process; we help to model for others a better way. At home, our children will learn better methods for conflict resolution than the ones we adopted by default.

Do this:

• Look at the chart again. Which style did you learn at home? As a young adult? As an adult? From whom did you see these styles modeled?

• Look for models of compromise and collaboration/creative problem solving. Keep a chart of where you see these models throughout your life. Find good models to study.

• Set a goal for yourself with regard to your conflict style. Try a new style. Tell someone close to you that you are going to try a new way, see if they can work with you to do this.

• Read this article about conflict styles in the family Family conflict styles

• Read this article about conflict styles in the workplace Workplace conflict styles

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The Five Stages of Conflict

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

MONDAY CONFLICT CONCEPTS

The Five Stages of Conflict

Conflict has predictable stages

We become aware of conflicts in a wide variety of ways.

• "That conflict came out of the blue. Boom!"

• "It was brewing for a long time. Like a slow-motion train wreck.."

• "We have never seen eye to eye."

• "All seemed to be going well, but under the surface.."

• "I genuinely had no idea we had a problem..."

In whichever way they begin, conflicts tend to have similar paths going through five distinct stages.

Stage One- Latent

A conflict has an early quiet stage. In conflict resolution theory it is called the latent stage, meaning the participants are not yet aware of the conflict, but there may be hidden frustrations and they may surface at any time. Sometimes these brewing or buried conflicts never find their way to the open air. Other times the conflict is looming and evident. And sometimes conflicts come without warning.

Stage Two- Perceived and Felt

Once a conflict develops and it is known, it goes through the perceived and felt stage. Parties may go through this stage simultaneously or at different times, depending upon events. Once they are aware that a conflict exists, individuals begin to feel stress, anxiety and/or hostility.

Stage Three- Conflict Approach

Next each person involved in the dispute adopts an approach. These are based upon their conflict style choice and their own intention for handling the conflict. In Day 2 we learned about the basic conflict styles of Compete, Avoid, Accommodate, Compromise, and Collaborate/Creative Problem Solve. These approaches make a difference in what happens next.

Stage Four- Stalemate or Negotiate

Depending on what strategy is used in Stage 3, the conflict will either move forward, negotiate toward an agreement; or the dialogue will be shut down and a standoff will develop.

Stage Five- Aftermath

The outcome of the conflict can range from a fully positive resolution to the alternate; a relationship dissolution. In conflicts that are a one time event, this may be the end. For those with ongoing relationships this process looks less like a singular mountain, like the figure above and more like an ongoing loop.

Why pay attention to stages?

Our work is to know more about conflict in order to address these situations in a thoughtful and enlightened way. When you are thinking about how to handle a conflict, looking at where things stand along the typical route, can help.

Do this:

• Use this. Take a look at the step by step approach in the figure below and see if you can take a conflict and track how it has proceeded through the stages.

• Read this. A longish chapter but lots of great info here: Five stages of conflict.

• Try this. If you have a conflict moving from the the latent stage into the perceived & felt stage, tell the person you are aware of the conflict. See what they say. Did they know there was a conflict? If not, now they do. You can then say, "I would like to work this out. Can we talk?" Then use your best listening skills to find out what is driving the conflict from the other person's point of view.

FOUNDATION FRIDAY: CONFLICT RESOLUTION BUILDING BLOCKS

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

FOUNDATION FRIDAY: CONFLICT RESOLUTION BUILDING BLOCKS

Core Conflict Resolution Concepts

You can't change anyone but yourself

Trying to change other people

After decades of work in the conflict resolution world, there's something that happens quite often. Let's set up the scenario. An individual takes a conflict resolution class. They learn about an approach to conflict and begin to use the approach. Try their best. And here's what their feedback sounds like:

• I tried that approach. It doesn't work. My husband was supposed to do_______( fill in the blank)____. Instead he did _____(the opposite of what I thought/wanted/was trying to get him to do)_____. This conflict resolution stuff doesn't work!

Conflict resolution techniques are not manipulation or coercion. In fact they are the opposite. When we try a new approach such as; question construction or a focus on detecting interests underneath positions or better listening techniques we are not working on the other person. We are working on ourselves. Building our tool box. Expanding our repetoire. Taking responsibility for our own part in the conflict.

You can't change anyone but yourself.

We've all tried. It doesn't work. This is the exciting and interesting part of human life. We never know what another person is going to do. We plan and strategize and outline. And then the other person does something unexpected. People are always unpredictable. That's life.

In conflict resolution work, we are creating a reservoir of tools and techniques for the individual to use. For themselves. To be a better conflict resolver. To make the conflicts in our lives go more smoothly and work toward mutually satisfying resolution. What others do will impact us, and then we move on to plan B or C etc, etc. Try different tools and techniques. At the end of the day, we can only control our own actions and try to hone our own skills.

Corona Virus and taking our own personal responsibility

Have you ever thought to yourself: If everyone would just do things just the way I think they should, the world would be a better place? I have. This recent crisis is a monumental test of all of our abilities to cope, adjust, learn and survive. And putting up with other people who are doing what we think they shouldn't is a major challenge.

So this is a perfect time to practice the thought process: I can't change anyone but myself. Is everyone else not taking things seriously? Use your best conflict resolution listening techniques to understand what they are thinking about. Are people not staying six feet apart? Take responsibility for yourself, you yourself stay six feet away. Are you confronting the inevitable challenges of conflicts that arise from self-quarantine? Focus on what you can do based on conflict resolution best practices.

Put on your own mask before assisting others

We all know this metaphoric admonition on the airplane. In the event of a loss of oxygen...adjust your own mask before attempting to assist others. Now is the time to work on what will help you. Take ten minutes to quietly meditate. Do internet research on active listening techniques. Watch TED talks on building cooperative problem solving. Garden. Sleep. Write. Reach out.

Our organization has had to adjust. We are continuing to provide services by video or telephone conferences. Social service agencies are available remotely. Seek the support you need. Call our office or send an email if you think we can help. We are all in this together.

Do this:

• Take this quiz. Week One Quiz How did you do?

• If you find yourself focusing on what someone else is doing that you don't like, shift your focus. Check yourself: Can I try a new way of looking at this? What do I want to know about the other person? Am I doing something that I can adjust?

• Here's a tried and true technique to change your focus. You've got a small conflict. On a piece of paper make two columns. In the first column, write down 10 things the other person is doing that bother you--try to get to 10 or as many as you can think of. Then in the column next to each item, write down at least one thing you can do to make things better. Focus on what you can do, not what you want the other person to do.

Article here You can't change anyone by yourself

If you missed Day 1, 2, 3 or 4, here they are:

Thoughts about conflict https://conta.cc/3d565pG

Conflict Styles https://conta.cc/38URE4h

Listening better https://conta.cc/38Z4rTj

Make friends with feelings ttps://conta.cc/33uxop7

Have a great weekend. We will be back on Monday. Get out in nature if you can. The sun is shining, or it will! - Sara