WEDNESDAY SKILLS - NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

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Use Neutral Language

Words Matter

• "It was that one word he kept saying over and over."

• "She kept poking at the wound with her words."

• "The conflict would die down and then they would blame me another time and it would just flare up stronger."

Words matter. They particularly matter when there is a conflict. When mediators sit down to listen to disputants' stories, we often hear conflict accelerants such as; She always, or He is so stubborn, or They were being idiots. In these cases the mediators have a superpower they use. It's called reframing into neutral language.

Focus on the facts

The person is talking about something the other person does that they don't like. They start with she always, when talking about the other person. The mediator revises that statement back to the parties by saying something like:

• Sally has noted a pattern of ...(whatever the action is that is not liked).

Why is this important? The words she always, in this context adds fuel to the fire. The mediator, acting as the fire extinguisher, tamps down some of the heat and changes she always into Sally has noted a pattern. The mediator does this because the first phrase puts the recipient on the defensive, the second has the sound of a factual report.

Listen to your words

Do you accelerate conflicts with your words? When Richard had this pointed out to him he said, "What do you want me to do? Think about every word I say before I say it?"

Well, yes.

Some of us have never had to consider how our choice of words affect others. Now is a good time to do this. You or someone you know may think, 'well I am just plain spoken, I call things as I see them.' It is possible to be a straightforward speaker and still not make things worse.

Try Neutral Language

Try rephrasing what you start out wanting to say. Instead of You always do... (whatever is not liked) rephrase it to I'm wondering if we can find a way together to avoid ....(whatever is not liked).

Here's some words to avoid, not because they are bad words, but because they keep the conflict building. The recipient interprets them as an attack and then they go on the defensive. People attacking and defending are not resolving conflicts, they are in a war.

• you

• but

• always

• never

• should

• must

Instead of: Try:

• Is that really relevant?

• Ok. The point I hear you making...

• What is your point?

• Will you elaborate?

• I don't think that will work...

• Is this do-able?

• If you're going to raise your voice I won't listen to you...

• I have a hard time hearing what you are saying when you raise your voice.

• I wasn't the one who...

• Tell me more about that.

• I'm not that way!

• You're saying you experience me as...

• Why are you making this such a big deal?

• This seems really important to you.

Sounds like Kindergarten talk

Often when these ideas are raised, someone says. I can't say that, it sounds like the way they talk in kindergarten. It's sort of sad to hear this. Is it really true the only common space we treat each other carefully is when we are with young children? Hope not.

Don't use any language suggestions if they come across to you or others as superficial or condescending, that's for sure. If this is important to you, though, you can surely find a way to use more neutral language and improve your chances of resolving conflicts more quickly. Give it a try. Milk and cookies, nap time as well as talking kindly are good for everyone. So maybe the standard of kindergarten is a good place to start.

Do this:

• See last week on turning accusations into questions https://conta.cc/2JgUy8U

• Mediators' super power--reframing using neutral language: Reframe

• Reframing using neutral language in the workplace setting Workplace neutral language

• Primer on using non biased language Biased language to avoid

Using the Accommodation Conflict Resolution style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

I TEND TO USE THE ACCOMMODATION STYLE.

Using the Accommodation Conflict Resolution style

In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.

Accommodation is...

We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the accommodation style, located in lower right corner, then that's likely your go-to approach.

Everyone accommodates at times and it's great to be accommodated--life is a give and take and everyone puts the needs of others first at times. For some people, though, accommodation is all they know.

When is accommodation a wise choice?

There are plenty of situations in which accommodation is the best method. For example:

• Preserving relationships

• Supporting others

• Other person in position of authority or power

• Restore harmony

• Better to end the dispute and move on

• Provide customer service

Deciding to accommodate, while having other options from which to choose, can be an empowering choice and can help to resolve conflict.

Accommodating to a fault

Why do people tend to accommodate? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "These traits were probably ingrained during childhood and may be reinforced by family, religious or other values. Individuals who have a tendency to be accommodating prefer the harmony, goodwill and reciprocity that is often associated with this behavior trait and feel that it serves them well most of the time." As well, individuals who are targeted by prejudice or discrimination may develop accommodation as a coping mechanism for survival purposes.

When is accommodation not good?

If accommodation is the only way an individual knows to resolve conflict, it's a problem. If exclusively accommodating, the individual's needs are being subsumed and the other person's needs are being treated as superior. That's not right. Everyone's voice should be heard and ideas should be shared and considered.

If you tend to be the kind of person who only accommodates, the idea is to develop more comfort in asserting your own ideas and interests. It's hard to change old patterns. For someone who is used to going along with other's ideas, this may be difficult. See if you can find a partner and try role playing a conversation where your ideas and opinions are asserted as an equal part of the conversation.

Do this:

• Read this article about the accommodating conflict style

• If you tend to be competitive, look for people who tend toward accommodation around you. Try to pull back and encourage their full participation in making decisions and resolving conflicts.

• Stop over-accommodating, article here Stop over-accommodating

• Become more assertive From nice to assertive