NEW ATTITUDE - THE CONFLICT BUBBLE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

NEW ATTITUDE - THE CONFLICT BUBBLE

Use the Conflict Bubble

Let's do some guided imagery now.

Locate the conflict. What do you call it? How do you describe it? Let's give it a name.

Now let's take the conflict and put it into a container. Can you see it? What kind of a container did you choose?

Now that we've got it defined and packaged, let's take it and put it into the conflict bubble in the middle of the table.

How big is the conflict bubble now? Let's leave the conflict bubble right there in the middle of the table, and keep a good eye on it as we go along.

The magic conflict bubble

It's like the magician at the kids party who pulls a coin from the child's ear. But in this case the mediator isn't playing a trick. It's a shift of perspective that is crucial in order to make progress in resolving a conflict. Put the conflict in the middle and separate it from the person.

This is because, fairly often, a conflict between two people becomes associated with the other person--the fully formed and multi-dimensional person. The conflict and the person becomes entwined. We blame the person, as a person, and don't separate their actions, attitudes and mistakes from them as a valuable person. We look at the person and see their part in the conflict, as if they are one and the same.

Observing the bubble as it expands and contracts

In mediation sessions I am often referring to the conflict in the middle of the table. I looks like the conflict is expanding dramatically. or Let's watch language and stop putting fuel on the conflict. or What do you think, have we taken most of the air out of the bubble? It's looking a lot smaller to me now. This imagined object can help to mark progress toward resolution or the lack thereof.

The idea is to be soft on the person and hard on the problem. Soft on the person because you need them to work with you to solve the problem, and you want your conflict resolution partner to be in good shape and not diminished. And hard on the problem, because that's what you want to solve. And if you work together with the other person, you might come up with something wonderful together. Or at least try.

Some tips for using the conflict bubble

You don't need to be involved in a mediation to use the conflict bubble.

• Follow the steps above to remove the conflict from the other person. If you find the conflict and the person being merged after a while, do it again. The other person is not the conflict.

• Make a list of all the good qualities the person has, remember that they are a full human being.

• Draw the conflict bubble and put the conflict into it. There's something remarkable about the artistic process, it opens up your ability to see things differently.

• Look for people who are already doing this, they are around. The clues are they never blame, never shame and talk about actions and data and do not mix up these matters with the actual human being.

If you forget everything else, this is one to remember. Separate the problem from the person, put the problem in the conflict bubble. Be soft on the person and hard on the problem. Work on resolving the conflict and watch the conflict bubble deflate or disappear.

Do this:

• Watch a video. This one which raises the idea of interests as well as separating people from problem- Workplace conflict resolution

• Watch this video from the movie Marriage Story. Write a list about what's great about the other person, If things are really difficult, read it to the other person. Do it, don't keep it to yourself. The list

• Watch another video. This is William Ury, world renown conflict resolution and negotiation specialist with lots of ideas including Separate person from problem

• Read this article. Separate the person from the problem.

If you missed Day 1 through 18 check out the previous blog posts.

Have a great weekend. Thank your health care worker, cleaner, teacher, store clerk and others who are in public service. Back on Monday.

Thanks Dawn for the conflict bubble, the one in the picture. A gift much appreciated.

Yesterday the planet lost many people-each of them valuable. One was my colleague in the NYC school where I served before I retired. She died of Covid 19. Every life is important. Sandra, we will miss you.

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - IDENTITY

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - IDENTITY

Your identity and conflicts are related

Self identity

Tell me a bit about yourself. The question causes all of us to search through multiple identities. Parent? Spouse? Boomer? Immigrant? We all self-identify. Some of these identities are obvious, based on something out of our control: 1980s baby, tall, Spanish speaker. Others are based on our life choices: teacher, soccer player, parent. We all self identify and may have private identities that we only share with those who we hold close: fearful, stoic, snorer. As our lives move forward, our identities shift and change and we try our best to catch up

Public identity labels

Other people in our lives define us and ascribe identities to us that we accept or don't --or don't even know about: Smart, great organizer, good neighbor. Or not such nice identities: silly, unappealing, not one of us. Sally and Richard are best friends and do many things together. Often folks refer to each of them as husband or wife. People look, decide an identity and, without malice, label them as something other than they actually are.

The concept of othering is related to identity. This is when people set up an us and them binary. They turn a group of people, based on their identity, as the other. In a later posting we will focus on the concept of othering. For now let's just say, try hard not to do this. It's hurtful.

The conflict iceberg

The conflict iceberg gives us a good perspective on where the values are in relationship with any conflict. Richard is strongly attached to his identity as, let's say, a Martha's Vineyard resident (nope- not getting into the washashore, Islander, lifelong vineyarder question--not me). Something comes up that challenges this identity. If Richard strongly connects to this aspect of his identity, the conflict will be a stronger conflict for him. If Richard sees his Martha's Vineyard residency as a minor part of who he is, the conflict might be a small one, or maybe not even a conflict at all.

We can't see below the surface to see a clear picture of the other person's identity, in the section of the iceberg that is hidden. So we have to pay close attention and try to be aware of how other's see themselves and how their competing identities are playing out in the midst of a controversy. Sometimes people are surprised that they, themselves, are so attached to an aspect of their identities. That's why the rule is: the bigger the conflict, the slower you move. You have to study the other person and yourself and think about why the conflict has become so fraught. See Slow your roll

Identity groups

When we teach conflict resolution, we do an activity related to identity. Group yourselves with others who share your identity as.... People put themselves into a small groups and chat together. What's great about being .....? What's not so great? What do you never want to hear anyone say about people who are ..... These conversations are enlightening. "I never knew that ... people didn't want to hear..." say some people who are not in the group. "I felt powerful talking with my co-.... about what is great about who we are." "We are all something and we are all not something." was the comment of one of the recent participants.

Do this:

• Look at the identity wheel. Pick out your identities and try to put them into priority order. What identity is most important to you?

• Explore intrapersonal, Interpersonal, Intergroup and Transpersonal Identities.

• Talk to others in your life about how they identify. Try this especially with others who have different backgrounds that you are less aware of.

• Watch Taiye Selasie talk about her complicated identity. Where are you a local? Local