Using the Competing Conflict Resolution style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

I TEND TO USE THE COMPETING STYLE

Using the Competing Conflict Resolution style

In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.

Competition conflict style is...

We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the competition style, located in upper left corner, then that's likely your go-to approach.

Everyone competes at times and it's great to have friendly competition--life is a challenge and sometimes we are in the situation where we are challenged to get ahead, win against all odds, drive to the top. For some people, though, the competitive style is the only way they know to approach conflict.

When is competitive conflict style a wise choice?

There are situations in which competition might be deemed to be the best method. For example:

• when there are personal differences that not likely to change

• when preserving relationships is not critical

• when others are likely to take advantage of noncompetitive behavior

• when conflict resolution is urgent; when decision is vital in crisis

• when unpopular decisions need to be implemented

Deciding to compete, while having other options from which to choose, can be an empowering choice and can resolve conflict.

Excessive Competing

Why do people tend to compete? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "The strategy of “competing” as a means of gaining power and control stems from early childhood and is reinforced throughout our years in school and college. Many children learn that they can obtain material objects as well as social control over people by using assertive, demanding or aggressive behavior. As they mature they use their talent to compete to “be the best”... or to socially compete to be popular and have status among peers. Some youth learn to deal with disagreements by persuading others to accept their position. Others use power negatively in the form of arguments, threats, intimidation, or physical fighting." As well, individuals who are targeted by prejudice or discrimination may develop competing as a coping mechanism for survival purposes.

When is competition not good?

If competition is the only way an individual knows to resolve conflict, it's a problem. If exclusively competing, the individual is putting their own needs ahead and above the other person's needs. Treating one's own needs as superior is not right. Everyone's voice should be heard and ideas should be shared and considered.

If you tend to be the kind of person who only competes, the idea is to develop more comfort in encouraging others to assert their own ideas and interests. It's hard to change old patterns. For someone who is used to aggressively pushing to get their own way, this may be difficult. See if you can find a partner and try role playing a conversation where your ideas and opinions are treated as an equal part of the conversation and where you consciously work to treat others more carefully-- not as people to dominate, but as partners who will share ideas to which you will listen. Find other venues for your competitive drive--competitive games are a healthy choice. Trying to win at all costs when a conflict arises, is likely to end up with bigger problem.

Do this:

• Read this article about the competitive conflict style

• If you tend to be an accommodator, look for people who tend toward competition around you. Try to assert yourself and encourage them to listen and include you more fully--a win lose is not really much of a fulfilling resolution.

• Stop over-competing, article here Too competitive?

DIGITAL WORLD AND CONFLICT

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

DIGITAL WORLD AND CONFLICT

What do we know about conflicts in the digital age?

Hear the text notification. Open the phone to your email. Look on facebook, instagram or snapchat. Ever had an emotional reaction in any of these digital environments? Of course, it's natural.

Historical perspective

Our human ancestors developed in small family groups, most people knew each other. Conflict was in person, and the result was a shared result. There was a mutual benefit to resolving conflict--the clan needed harmony in order to overcome the world's hostile forces.

The printing press expansion of reading capability meant that the written word could spread one person's ideas far beyond their community. A raging controversy could be spread out over a long period of time as dueling publications sparred. In the industrial age, radio and television sped up the process.

The internet has only been in common use for twenty years. Texting and smart phones for a bit more than ten years. Facebook is sixteen years old. So we are the first generation living in the digital age. And in a very different way than throughout history, conflicts are played out in public on social media and online.

Quick judgement

Our ancestors survived because of our human ability to make quick judgments, Danger! Friend! Foe! For most of our history we needed quick thinking to survive. Today's digital communication turns the issue of speed on its head. Scrolling through twitter posts we can encounter a vast array of ideas and opinions. But while sitting on our couch with the world's knowledge in our hands--we are still the result of our evolutionary drive for survival. We are quick to judge. And the resulting reaction often looks like moral outrage in the person who has found themselves in an online conflict.

Moral outrage

There's recent research into the online conflict cycle. The combination of the quick response, adrenaline filled jousting and human nature to be drawn to spectacle can be a toxic stew for conflict. In the podcast linked below you can hear a fascinating look into this process. There may be an addictive aspect. Understanding what forces draw certain people into these debates is a new area of study. Keep your eye on this.

Bias and discrimination

The digital age has driven a new form of the us and them ideology--where people who differ, disagree or are unfamiliar become them and only those with our own embraced attributes are deemed as us. The mean spirited racism, misogyny, anti-Semitism, homophobia, regionalism etc, etc, seem to be byproducts of the present age. As Devorah Heitner says in her article linked below, "There is the tendency to feel less empathetic when there’s a screen in between."

Is there any bright spot?

The internet and all its tools can be a great support for conflicts, despite all the above.

• Learning about the various ways that others live their lives through internet research.

• Keeping in touch to keep the lines of communication open through email. text or social media

• As we learn about the limitations of online messages, developing ways to be more careful about communication and removing conflict escalating language.

• Mediation, conflict coaching and conflict facilitation take place easily over online platforms--usually video or phone conferencing.

Some ideas here

While we are all home and online more than usual here's some tips for not stirring up conflict on line:

• Only allow yourself to write kind or neutral comments online.

• Be aware that text is missing tone and body language, be overly careful communicating by text or email.

• Walk away from online arguments, especially on social media.

• Pick up the phone or video chat for difficult conversations.

• Consider that anything your write on line lives forever.

• Use the internet to undo your preconceived notions about other people and cultures.

• Go out and take a walk in nature, with your mask and six feet apart if necessary.

Do this:

• Read or listen to this great information about moral outrage and the internet. Is online moral outrage like addiction? Listen here

• Even though this article is aimed at parents to help children, there's plenty of adults who might need it more. Conflict resolution & digital natives

• Look for websites or email newsletters with positive news and ideas. Examples: Yes newsletter Yes newsletter or Greater Good newsletter Greater Good

• Research the other side, sign up to read information from the perspective on the opposite side of your opinions.