CONFLICT COMPONENTS - VALUES

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - VALUES

What are your personal values?

The conflict iceberg

The conflict iceberg gives us a good perspective on where values are in relationship with any conflict. Felix holds strongly to his value in the importance of family and and thinks its important to stay close with his family members on Martha's Vineyard. He also holds a competing value in being an independent gay man. One value seems to be guiding him to move off Island to a southern city with an urban experience. The other value presses him to stay on the Island close to his sister and the next generation. This is a conflict. Much of this internal conflict between values is playing out under the surface.

We can't see below the surface to see a clear picture of the other person's values, in the section of the iceberg that is hidden. So we have to pay close attention and try to be aware of how other's values play out in the midst of a controversy. Sometimes people are surprised that they, themselves, are so strongly driven by one or another set of values. That's why the rule is: the bigger the conflict, the slower you move. You have to study the other person and yourself and think about why the conflict has become so fraught. See Slow your roll As well, you will need to inspect values when you work to Analyze conflict

Conflicts are driven by values

Pick a conflict, any conflict. You don't have to look too deeply to see that the conflict is being fueled by each individual's values. In mediation we often hear, that 'its the principle' that is driving the energy around the conflict. Principles and values are relatively synonymous in this case. Fairness, truthfulness, attention to details, paying your debts. Put two divergent sets of values up against each other in a situation and presto, you've got a conflict. If individuals don't have a value that is being challenged, generally, there is not much of a conflict.

Do this:

• Look at the big list of values below. Pick out your strongly held personal values. Try to put them into priority order. What value is most important to you? Where is it located in your life?

• Explore values in these articles. Values and values meaning.

• Talk to others in your life about their values. Try this especially with others who have different backgrounds that you are less aware of.

• Look back on your past life. Have your values evolved since your childhood? Which values do you want to hold in the future?

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - ANALYZING CONFLICT

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - ANALYZING CONFLICT

Add this tool to your toolbox

Use a conflict analysis checklist to understand a conflict

Analyze Conflict

Like any area of study, conflict can be analyzed. In the case of the do-it-yourself conflict analysis model, it comes in the form of a checklist. Each bullet point is an area to think about, gather related data and consider ideas beyond your first impression.

When you are thinking about the different ideas on the conflict analysis checklist, take some uninterrupted time to think a bit more deeply than usual. For some, writing ideas out can help. For others, drawing what they come up with is another way. Some people thrive on verbalizing--record your ideas into your phone or recorder.

Pick a conflict that really has you stumped. Use the conflict analysis checklist and work your way through it. Put it aside for a day. Pull it out a day or more later and think about any new ideas. One really interesting process is to do this before bed. The sleep on it lore has real merit. Your brain keeps functioning during sleep and you might wake with a new perspective on a problem.

Conflict Analysis checklist

Step One. Begin by figuring out what happened.

• What is the story?

• What is the backstory?

• Where are things now?

Step Two. Try to remove your initial bias, judgements or assumptions.

• Open up to the possibility that your first reaction might be entirely wrong.

• Are you biased? Toward or against what?

• Have you already made a judgment? Can you put your judgement aside?

• What are your assumptions? Can you put your assumption aside?

Step Three. Define the conflict topics

• The conflict is about...

Step Four. Find the conflict trigger

• What was the the conflict trigger, the moment when you knew this was a conflict that matters to you?

Step Five: Figure out each person's goals

• My goals in this conflict are...

• The other person's goals in this conflict are...

Step Six: Look at the conflict through three lenses.

• This conflict is related to my needs in the following way...

• This conflict is related to my values in the following way...

• This conflict is related to my self-identity in the following way...

Step Seven. Consider the power relationship

• My power base in this conflict comes from...

• My lack of power in this conflict is related to...

• Power for the other person is connected to...

Step Eight. My conflict theory about why this conflict is happening

• I think this conflict is happening because…

What do you know now?

That's it

Wait that's it? After I answer all these questions and think about all these aspects of conflict, what's the answer? That's what analysis helps with, thinking about your own approach and opening new ways of looking at a conflict that has stumped you. The above concepts are components of each important conflict. By going through the checklist, the idea is to see new ways of handling conflict. In the process you are able to open up to creative possibilities and new ways of going forward.

Conflict Coaching services

Martha's Vineyard Mediation and many other community mediation programs have Conflict Coaching available for those who want help in analyzing conflict. In our CLAMSHELL model we work 1:1 with clients over the course of two one-hour sessions, to work through the process of analyzing a particular conflict scenario. The goal is for the client to leave with a clear and self-determined plan to improve their approach to conflict. If you would benefit from working with a Conflict Coach, reach out to schedule an appointment, or to ask questions.

Do this:

• There are lots of ways to analyze conflict, try some other approaches Conflict analysis approaches Its a pretty long article but if you page through there are few fun exercises.

• Really interesting TED talk about conflict resolution--engaging conflict intentionally. This talk is a real treat, give it 10 minutes, you'll enjoy Robin Funsten's presentation.

• Build your relationship with the person with whom you have conflict. You're stuck at home together, why not? Pick a conflict and go through the checklist independently and then share your responses.

Using the Competing Conflict Resolution style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

I TEND TO USE THE COMPETING STYLE

Using the Competing Conflict Resolution style

In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.

Competition conflict style is...

We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the competition style, located in upper left corner, then that's likely your go-to approach.

Everyone competes at times and it's great to have friendly competition--life is a challenge and sometimes we are in the situation where we are challenged to get ahead, win against all odds, drive to the top. For some people, though, the competitive style is the only way they know to approach conflict.

When is competitive conflict style a wise choice?

There are situations in which competition might be deemed to be the best method. For example:

• when there are personal differences that not likely to change

• when preserving relationships is not critical

• when others are likely to take advantage of noncompetitive behavior

• when conflict resolution is urgent; when decision is vital in crisis

• when unpopular decisions need to be implemented

Deciding to compete, while having other options from which to choose, can be an empowering choice and can resolve conflict.

Excessive Competing

Why do people tend to compete? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "The strategy of “competing” as a means of gaining power and control stems from early childhood and is reinforced throughout our years in school and college. Many children learn that they can obtain material objects as well as social control over people by using assertive, demanding or aggressive behavior. As they mature they use their talent to compete to “be the best”... or to socially compete to be popular and have status among peers. Some youth learn to deal with disagreements by persuading others to accept their position. Others use power negatively in the form of arguments, threats, intimidation, or physical fighting." As well, individuals who are targeted by prejudice or discrimination may develop competing as a coping mechanism for survival purposes.

When is competition not good?

If competition is the only way an individual knows to resolve conflict, it's a problem. If exclusively competing, the individual is putting their own needs ahead and above the other person's needs. Treating one's own needs as superior is not right. Everyone's voice should be heard and ideas should be shared and considered.

If you tend to be the kind of person who only competes, the idea is to develop more comfort in encouraging others to assert their own ideas and interests. It's hard to change old patterns. For someone who is used to aggressively pushing to get their own way, this may be difficult. See if you can find a partner and try role playing a conversation where your ideas and opinions are treated as an equal part of the conversation and where you consciously work to treat others more carefully-- not as people to dominate, but as partners who will share ideas to which you will listen. Find other venues for your competitive drive--competitive games are a healthy choice. Trying to win at all costs when a conflict arises, is likely to end up with bigger problem.

Do this:

• Read this article about the competitive conflict style

• If you tend to be an accommodator, look for people who tend toward competition around you. Try to assert yourself and encourage them to listen and include you more fully--a win lose is not really much of a fulfilling resolution.

• Stop over-competing, article here Too competitive?

DIGITAL WORLD AND CONFLICT

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

DIGITAL WORLD AND CONFLICT

What do we know about conflicts in the digital age?

Hear the text notification. Open the phone to your email. Look on facebook, instagram or snapchat. Ever had an emotional reaction in any of these digital environments? Of course, it's natural.

Historical perspective

Our human ancestors developed in small family groups, most people knew each other. Conflict was in person, and the result was a shared result. There was a mutual benefit to resolving conflict--the clan needed harmony in order to overcome the world's hostile forces.

The printing press expansion of reading capability meant that the written word could spread one person's ideas far beyond their community. A raging controversy could be spread out over a long period of time as dueling publications sparred. In the industrial age, radio and television sped up the process.

The internet has only been in common use for twenty years. Texting and smart phones for a bit more than ten years. Facebook is sixteen years old. So we are the first generation living in the digital age. And in a very different way than throughout history, conflicts are played out in public on social media and online.

Quick judgement

Our ancestors survived because of our human ability to make quick judgments, Danger! Friend! Foe! For most of our history we needed quick thinking to survive. Today's digital communication turns the issue of speed on its head. Scrolling through twitter posts we can encounter a vast array of ideas and opinions. But while sitting on our couch with the world's knowledge in our hands--we are still the result of our evolutionary drive for survival. We are quick to judge. And the resulting reaction often looks like moral outrage in the person who has found themselves in an online conflict.

Moral outrage

There's recent research into the online conflict cycle. The combination of the quick response, adrenaline filled jousting and human nature to be drawn to spectacle can be a toxic stew for conflict. In the podcast linked below you can hear a fascinating look into this process. There may be an addictive aspect. Understanding what forces draw certain people into these debates is a new area of study. Keep your eye on this.

Bias and discrimination

The digital age has driven a new form of the us and them ideology--where people who differ, disagree or are unfamiliar become them and only those with our own embraced attributes are deemed as us. The mean spirited racism, misogyny, anti-Semitism, homophobia, regionalism etc, etc, seem to be byproducts of the present age. As Devorah Heitner says in her article linked below, "There is the tendency to feel less empathetic when there’s a screen in between."

Is there any bright spot?

The internet and all its tools can be a great support for conflicts, despite all the above.

• Learning about the various ways that others live their lives through internet research.

• Keeping in touch to keep the lines of communication open through email. text or social media

• As we learn about the limitations of online messages, developing ways to be more careful about communication and removing conflict escalating language.

• Mediation, conflict coaching and conflict facilitation take place easily over online platforms--usually video or phone conferencing.

Some ideas here

While we are all home and online more than usual here's some tips for not stirring up conflict on line:

• Only allow yourself to write kind or neutral comments online.

• Be aware that text is missing tone and body language, be overly careful communicating by text or email.

• Walk away from online arguments, especially on social media.

• Pick up the phone or video chat for difficult conversations.

• Consider that anything your write on line lives forever.

• Use the internet to undo your preconceived notions about other people and cultures.

• Go out and take a walk in nature, with your mask and six feet apart if necessary.

Do this:

• Read or listen to this great information about moral outrage and the internet. Is online moral outrage like addiction? Listen here

• Even though this article is aimed at parents to help children, there's plenty of adults who might need it more. Conflict resolution & digital natives

• Look for websites or email newsletters with positive news and ideas. Examples: Yes newsletter Yes newsletter or Greater Good newsletter Greater Good

• Research the other side, sign up to read information from the perspective on the opposite side of your opinions.

NEW ATTITUDE - THE CONFLICT BUBBLE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

NEW ATTITUDE - THE CONFLICT BUBBLE

Use the Conflict Bubble

Let's do some guided imagery now.

Locate the conflict. What do you call it? How do you describe it? Let's give it a name.

Now let's take the conflict and put it into a container. Can you see it? What kind of a container did you choose?

Now that we've got it defined and packaged, let's take it and put it into the conflict bubble in the middle of the table.

How big is the conflict bubble now? Let's leave the conflict bubble right there in the middle of the table, and keep a good eye on it as we go along.

The magic conflict bubble

It's like the magician at the kids party who pulls a coin from the child's ear. But in this case the mediator isn't playing a trick. It's a shift of perspective that is crucial in order to make progress in resolving a conflict. Put the conflict in the middle and separate it from the person.

This is because, fairly often, a conflict between two people becomes associated with the other person--the fully formed and multi-dimensional person. The conflict and the person becomes entwined. We blame the person, as a person, and don't separate their actions, attitudes and mistakes from them as a valuable person. We look at the person and see their part in the conflict, as if they are one and the same.

Observing the bubble as it expands and contracts

In mediation sessions I am often referring to the conflict in the middle of the table. I looks like the conflict is expanding dramatically. or Let's watch language and stop putting fuel on the conflict. or What do you think, have we taken most of the air out of the bubble? It's looking a lot smaller to me now. This imagined object can help to mark progress toward resolution or the lack thereof.

The idea is to be soft on the person and hard on the problem. Soft on the person because you need them to work with you to solve the problem, and you want your conflict resolution partner to be in good shape and not diminished. And hard on the problem, because that's what you want to solve. And if you work together with the other person, you might come up with something wonderful together. Or at least try.

Some tips for using the conflict bubble

You don't need to be involved in a mediation to use the conflict bubble.

• Follow the steps above to remove the conflict from the other person. If you find the conflict and the person being merged after a while, do it again. The other person is not the conflict.

• Make a list of all the good qualities the person has, remember that they are a full human being.

• Draw the conflict bubble and put the conflict into it. There's something remarkable about the artistic process, it opens up your ability to see things differently.

• Look for people who are already doing this, they are around. The clues are they never blame, never shame and talk about actions and data and do not mix up these matters with the actual human being.

If you forget everything else, this is one to remember. Separate the problem from the person, put the problem in the conflict bubble. Be soft on the person and hard on the problem. Work on resolving the conflict and watch the conflict bubble deflate or disappear.

Do this:

• Watch a video. This one which raises the idea of interests as well as separating people from problem- Workplace conflict resolution

• Watch this video from the movie Marriage Story. Write a list about what's great about the other person, If things are really difficult, read it to the other person. Do it, don't keep it to yourself. The list

• Watch another video. This is William Ury, world renown conflict resolution and negotiation specialist with lots of ideas including Separate person from problem

• Read this article. Separate the person from the problem.

If you missed Day 1 through 18 check out the previous blog posts.

Have a great weekend. Thank your health care worker, cleaner, teacher, store clerk and others who are in public service. Back on Monday.

Thanks Dawn for the conflict bubble, the one in the picture. A gift much appreciated.

Yesterday the planet lost many people-each of them valuable. One was my colleague in the NYC school where I served before I retired. She died of Covid 19. Every life is important. Sandra, we will miss you.