WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - TONE OF VOICE

Add this tool to your toolbox

Your tone of voice can cause or calm a conflict

Tone of Voice

Try this. Say 'That's really interesting' in a normal and even-handed tone of voice. Now say it again in a bored tone. Now again in the way you would when you are surprised. Now try 'That's really interesting' with a sarcastic tone. What's the point? The same words can communicate a very different message dependent upon your tone of voice.

These days while we are doing so much communication remotely, we are missing out on much of the in-person body language we usually rely upon. Your tone is highly important to communicate effectively. Many conflicts are resolved or perpetuated by a tone of voice.

Your voice as a tool

You can improve your vocal tone and use your voice more effectively. Do you dislike hearing yourself on recordings? Most people do. Get over it, and start listening to yourself on recordings. Do you notice that you are using a sing-song cadence, and you would like to sound more even-handed? Give it a try. Have you been told you are too bossy and demanding? Listen to see if you can hear it in your recorded voice and try a new tone that is more inviting and collaborative. Would you like to speak more authoritatively? Work on having a more even tone and speaking more slowly. Would you like to use your voice to communicate kindness? Listen to see if you can hear yourself using tone that connotes kindness and caring.

Just like any tool, you can learn to use your voice better and more effectively. It starts with having a goal and intention, and setting forward on a journey toward improvement. And every journey begins with a single step or in this case a single word.

Conflict and vocal tone

This is a pretty surprising statistic. Some research indicates that between 80 and 90% of conflict is related to tone of voice. And under 10% is derived from the actual words. With so much riding on this one tool, it seems pretty important to pay attention to it and work to develop the tone of voice that you want to have.

If you have a conflict, this is an area to which you should pay close attention. Do you tend to have a higher or louder or more clipped and brusque tone of voice when you are in a conflict? There are things you can do to improve. Practice the tone of voice you would like to adopt. Record it and rehearse until you like what you hear. When you are stressed, work to speak more slowly and deliberately. Breathe. Then breathe again. When the adrenaline is flowing, it affects your vocal chords and this stress-filled voice will come across to the other person. You will want to consciously calm yourself so your voice can be a partner in conflict resolution and not a hindrance to the process.

Your voice reflects your thought process, more than you know. If you are angry, your voice will convey this emotion. That is fine if you choose to put this emotion across to the other person. But it should be a choice. You can train your voice to come across more even-handed and calm--it requires some self reflection and practice.

Individual vocal tone challenges

Everyone has a different set of vocal tone challenges. Have you heard from others that they notice something about your voice? Take this helpful feedback seriously. No one can change the actual mechanics of their vocal structure, but like any musical instrument, practice makes perfect and you can learn to use your vocal instrument more expertly. If you would like to be able to use your voice in the service of resolving conflicts, it can be done with some concerted effort.

Do this:

Record your voice. Do you like what you hear? Pick one specific goal that will help you come across in the way you intend. Keep recording. Or ask a partner to listen to you more carefully and give you feedback.

Ted talk about vocal tone and leadership,

Article about vocal tone and conflict in the workplace.

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

I TEND TO USE THE COMPROMISING CONFLICT STYLE

Using the Compromising Conflict Resolution style

In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.

Compromising conflict style is...

We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the compromising style, located smack in the middle of the the chart, then that's likely your go-to approach.

Compromising can be a great method to come to a more fair outcome in comparison with the Avoid, Compete and Accommodate styles. Its a big improvement over these approaches which end up with Lose/Win, Win/Lose or Lose/Lose outcomes. In this context we can say that Compromise is Win/Lose -Win/Lose--a little bit of both for both people.

Imposed Compromise

Many are familiar with the orange story. Here's a quick review. Two sisters want the last orange. They fight. Frustrated mom comes, hears the argument and takes her knife and slices the orange into two halves, handing half each to her two daughters.

Compromise? Well sort of. In this case, its an imposed compromise. The girls didn't resolve it themselves, it was decided by another person--a powerful third party acting as the decider. Fair outcome? Whether its fair or not is up to the disputants, not the decider, so we don't really know. They each got half of what they wanted, it was resolved quickly, bingo bango. We don't really know, because the two disputants didn't get to figure it out with each other. This is important in any conflict resolution process. Someone else deciding is not optimal---though sometimes necessary in the interest of time.

Self determined compromise

If possible, though, allowing those in the dispute to decide what's fair would be better. Preserving their self-determination. Instead of imposing a solution, a neutral mediator would work to help the the two sisters to talk and listen to each other and to begin understand the other's perspective. Through mediation they might come up with an entirely different outcome--and decide it is a fair one that they like. Or they themselves might decide to cut the orange in half and even thought they only would end up with half of what they wanted, it would have been their own compromise, made together through discussion. A compromise determined in this way can help to preserve or build a relationship.

When is compromising style a wise choice?

There are many situations in which compromise might be the best method. For example:

When differences have been discussed and its time to move on.
When it is unrealistic to totally satisfy everyone.
When the goals of both parties have equal importance and merit.
When the situation requires a quick resolution, even if temporary.
When there's no time/energy available for collaboration.
When "splitting the difference" is the fair and best solution.
When the value of maintaining relationships is more important.
When the parties can agree to disagree and live with the decision.

Thoughtful Compromisers

Why do people tend to compromise? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "These people are more likely to be objective in their assessment of differences and use factual information when weighing their options. Individuals with a thinking preference typically make pragmatic decisions based on deductive reasoning." Individuals who tend to compromise are aware of other's desires and are willing to engage in discussions to consider each other's ideas and interests. The idea of 'splitting the difference' appeals to their logical reasoning.

When is compromising not good?

Compromising is generally better than the other three styles mentioned previously. Talking it out and ending up with both individuals losing a little as well as winning a little sure seems like a pretty fair way to go. Right? Yet sometimes the material thing at the center of the dispute is not the real conflict--but a stand in for emotional or relational conflict. In this case the compromise may just delay the needed deeper discussion to get to the core of the conflict.

In the case of the sisters and the orange, a compromise was a quick but incomplete outcome. As those who know this classic story remember, the sisters wanted the orange for different purposes. One sister wanted to zest the peel for a baking project. With her half she had half the zest she needed and had to manage the baking with less. A win/lose. She threw the inner fruit away. Sister two had wanted to eat the orange fruit herself, and ended up eating half of what she wanted. A win/lose as well. Had the two sisters had the time and energy to talk the issue out, they would have learned this from each other. Both would have been able to collaborate and come up with a new outcome where both of them each got what they wanted. Having started each with the position, 'I want the whole orange!" they could have ended up with 'Both of us got exactly what we want." A Collaborative outcome--the conflict style that our organization tries to work toward when we mediate.

Do this:

Read this article about the compromising conflict style

If you tend to be an compromiser, look to see if you can push past the 'split the difference' quick fix. Can you collaborate on a new and creative way to resolve the conflict?

The compromise style in business, when it works and when it doesn't.

William Ury is looking for the 18th camel, looking for the win/win. Video here.