ASK THE RIGHT QUESTION: Asking the right question can make all the difference in a conflict All kinds of questions

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

ASK THE RIGHT QUESTION

Asking the right question can make all the difference in a conflict

All kinds of questions

In conflict resolution training, participants are taught the skill of effective questioning. Its important to learn how to structure questions, which type of question to use when, and the the effect of particular questions. There's an art to asking questions at the right time and in the right way.

Closed ended questions

Red pill or blue pill? Its a closed ended question. How do you recognize this kind of question? It can be answered with yes, no or one word. Would you like fries with that? Yes or no. A closed ended question is useful when someone needs to know a simple answer and wants to limit the information coming from the respondent. Close ended questions can have the effect of shutting down communication. They have a restricting aspect and generally do not help to deepen or solidify a relationship.

Probing or Clarifying questions

In a conflict, ask clarifying questions before coming to conclusions. A clarifying question serves many purposes. Here's one: Would you tell me more about what your reaction was? The person answering gets the chance to explain themselves--and knows the other person is interested in their thoughts and experiences. Here's another one: Could you repeat the second part again? The person asking shows they want to make sure they understand what has been said and the other person knows they are being listened to intently. Here's a clarifying question that helps to fill in the blanks, I think I missed it, can you tell me what happened on Tuesday? Instead of jumping to make a judgement, ask a probing question and listen to understand.

Open Ended questions

The most helpful type of question in conflict resolution is the open ended type. This kind of question cannot be answered with a single word answer. It invites open communication and sharing of ideas. If you don't tend toward open ended questions, here a few all purpose ones that can be used in almost all situations. Remember your tone and body language need to be matched to sincere inquiry--and listen fully to get the answer and the underlying information that comes from truly trying to understand the other person.

• Can you describe what happened?

• What would you like to see happen?

• What does that look like for you?

• What would it take for us to be able to move forward?

• What ideas do you have that would meet both our needs?

• What about that was important to you?

• What’s the biggest risk of you not making progress?

• Tell me what you are concerned about?

• What’s important to you about that?

If you are not able to come up with one of these in the moment when you are trying to improve communication, here are question starters to begin an open ended question:

• I wonder..

• Help me to understand...

• Could you expand on...

• I'm curious about..

or the tried and true all purpose question:

• Would you tell me more?

Accusations into questions

Lets say you have come to a conclusion or judgement and it sounds something like: You did this on purpose to hurt me! This accusation can be easily turned into a question, Did you do this on purpose to hurt me? Although the conclusion is part of it, the question comes across as a genuine inquiry, as long as its paired with a tone of voice that is calm. Asking this kind of question can serve to open up communication instead of shutting it down. Or instead of asking it as a close ended question, try an open-ended one: Could you tell me about why you did that? Did you have any thoughts about how it would affect me?

Why questions

Starting an open ended question with Why might seem like a great way to try to increase understanding. Some recent research calls this into question. Particularly in a conflict, it turns out, a person being asked a why question can hear it as an aggressive challenge. So use four of the five Ws--What, When, Where and How, but be judicious about using Why if you are trying to be delicate and not cause more conflict.

Do this:

• Listen to your day to day questions and to those of others. Are you noticing open ended questioning around you?

• Two articles about asking question in conflict here and here.

NEW ATTITUDE - FOCUS ON MUTUALITY

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

NEW ATTITUDE - FOCUS ON MUTUALITY

Mutuality

is the way forward

We are all in this together. Its a phrase we are leaning on a lot in the present moment. There is nothing like a scary crisis to bring people together. We see mutual appreciation expressed effusively with the 7pm public clapping, singing, banging pots and pans. Have you heard about this? The nurses, doctors, cleaners and first responders are out trying to save humanity. Everyone else is sequestered in their homes across the country. At 7pm people come out to the balcony, or open the window or stand on their steps and make lots of noise. What they are saying is Thank you for helping! We appreciate you for doing your job to save lives! We are home and trying to stay safe and you are out there risking your life--but we have not forgotten you! We are proud of our fellow humans who are doing good!

The 7pm collective cheer is a demonstration of mutuality. Mutuality is a positive, interactive relationship between people.The word comes from mutual meaning given and received in a reciprocal way. Mutual is familiar language and its used in various ways such as:

• mutual trust: promises kept, equality ability to count on one another

• mutual benefit: life enhanced due to connection

• mutual support: help each other and give each other aid

• mutual admiration: have high regard and respect for each other

Mutuality is all of these wrapped up in the reciprocity of working to understand each other's perspective, interests and outlook.

Mutuality in conflict resolution

In mediation we work to help disputants to experience mutuality with each other. If there is a stand off, folks might need to let down their guard, work to listen better, put aside their assumptions, slow down. Once both parties are actively trying to resolve their conflict, the idea is to help them to develop some level of mutuality. This is important and sometimes has a dramatic effect. When someone walks in another's shoes, it can be profound. The mediator asks, 'can you describe where we are from the other person's way of understanding it?' It works.

In conflict coaching we ask the clients to pick a conflict and go through the process of analyzing that conflict. Then we walk the person through the conflict from the position of the other person. Its pretty amazing to witness this process, guided by a professional conflict coach. The client in coaching fairly often has an epiphany. Its uplifting to see that the process of reviewing the conflict with a mutuality lens can really help add conflict resolution tools to the client's toolbox. Seeing through other's eyes provides the perspective that opens up doors and paths that can lead toward resolution.

Learning mutuality

Cinnie Noble, who designed the CINERGY conflict coaching process has put together a set of questions that can open up mutuality. Consider these as you work to expand your way of looking at a situation:

• How would you describe what you and the other person disagreed upon in that situation? How would the other person describe what you disagreed on?

• What did the other person say or do that particularly provoked you?

• What did you say or do that may have stood in the way of the other person being able to hear you and understand you?

• What did you expect from the other person?

• What do you think the other person may have expected from you?

• What don’t you know about the other person’s perspective? What doesn’t the other person know about your perspective on this situation?

• What would you say you both agree on?

• What would you do differently if you had it to do over again?

• What may be threatening, uncomfortable or concerning for you to engage the other person in a conversation to better understand what happened and to make amends if you want to? How about for him or her?

• If you want things between you to be resolved in a mutually satisfactory way, what would that be and how may you facilitate that?