No More Shame and Blame: Want to fuel conflicts? Try shame and blame.

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

NO MORE SHAME AND BLAME

Want to fuel conflicts?

Try Shame

and Blame

• He did it!

• Its all your fault!

• When I find the culprit I'm gonna...!

• You should be ashamed of yourself!

Here's the thing about employing the shame/blame dynamic duo. They don't solve the conflict. They don't analyze the problem. They don't help us to learn from our mistakes. They make people miserable and accomplishing next to nothing. They don't build trust. Blame and shame culture will harm any relationship or organization in short order. Blame and shame does nothing but make folks feel bad.

So why are we living in blame/shame culture? Its not entirely clear. There's some anthropological and historical conjecture about our species' approach toward individuals who veer from the group or who harm others. There does seem to be an epidemic going on. Present day self-help and support articles attempt to help people whose lives have been ruined by intensive blame/shame. For whatever reason it exists, let's move beyond it.

Blame/Shame use in conflict

Louise has a conflict with Marian. Louise says to Marian, You did this awful thing. Its all your fault!

What might be Louise's reason for saying that?

• Louise wants to make Marian feel bad.

• Louise wants to get Marian to take responsibility.

• Louise is so angry and thinks saying this will make her feel better.

• Louise has had others blame her and thinks that's what she should do.

No matter the reason Louise says it, it does not do any work in the conflict. By blaming Marian, she is shutting down any possibility for an open dialogue. Maybe Marian did do that awful thing. And how does blaming help the situation? Louise's blaming her puts her in a defensive position, having to protect herself or to hurt Louise back. And then? Nothing is accomplished.

Blame and shame have lifelong effects. Think of the times it has happened to you. Some have a childhood or adult full of blame/shame. It is a depleting and dehumanizing experience to be blamed and shamed.

The person is negatively affected. The blamer is also negatively impacted, in that the process leads to a dead end. Hurting others, making them feel bad about themselves, creating an atmosphere of fear does not build anything positive. Individuals who insist on blaming others, and in so doing shaming those who are targeted, tend to be power oriented and quick fix thinkers. In the end, they do not make things better.

In the article below this quote is highlighted, “The only thing people learn from being blamed is to become better at hiding their mistakes.” If that's your goal, go ahead--blame and shame away. But if you want to create a positive, learning culture, here's a great comparative figure showing the differences between an environment that is working toward mutual accountability and the blame/shame culture.

So what to do?

If you want to resolve a conflict, move your thought process away from blame and toward problem solving. Can you ask a question? Can you listen? Can you find something to learn from the situation? Can you lend a willing ear to let the other person work things out, take responsibility, apologize, face their mistakes? People do not tend to open up when they think they are not safe. Be the safe person who is making a connection and trying to figure things out with the other person. Put the blame/shame away locked up tight. If this is the other person's worst day, don't you want to be the one who says, "We all make mistakes. I do too. Let's see what we can do to fix this."

In conflict resolution, the mediator, coach or facilitator has to work hard to move the person who is intent on blaming. Until they advance past blaming, a resolution is unlikely. Sometimes it takes asking the right question such as:

• How could this problem be avoided in the future? 

• What can be done support learning from this experience?

• What do you want from the other person, and what can they do to make it right?

• Do you want to resolve this?

Try to do what you can, at least notice where blame/shame rears its ugly head and name it when you see it. Try this: "Let's not blame and shame. Instead lets look to the future and not try to hurt each other." Sometimes that's all it takes, to point things out for what they are.

Do this:

• Blame and shame culture in the workplace article

• Culture of accountability instead of blame article

• Blame and shame in relationship conflicts article

DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY: In conflict situations, try not to personalize

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

In conflict situations,

try not to personalize

You have a conflict and are trying to sort it out. What can you take responsibility for and what does not really belong to you? You are trying to be honorable and honest with yourself and the other person--you might have been at fault for some of it. Is there something you can apologize for? What about the other person, do they have some responsibility too? Do they see things differently than you? Can you learn more by talking to the other person? To a trusted ally? What should you do?

One important thing to do is to try not to take it personally. In this context taking it personally refers to the negative self talk that can happen when we over-personalize difficult situations. Some of us can beat ourselves up. When you take things personally, your ability to resolve the conflict is dramatically diminished.

An example

Here's a story from the article linked below:

The other day I was in a building running an errand. As I walked through the lobby toward the exit, a woman I didn’t know walked past me. As she did she said, “Buenas”–which is a standard greeting–, and I answered, “Buenas”, and kept going. Then I heard the woman say: “You’re so rude. Learn some manners. When someone greets you, you should greet them back.”

I stopped and turned around, and I saw that the woman was talking to me. Obviously, she didn’t hear me when I answered her greeting. In addition, it was evident that she had concluded that I simply chose to ignore her, and she took it personally. Given her state of agitation, it was clear to me that she felt slighted. I told the woman that I had responded to her greeting, and it wasn’t my fault that she didn’t hear me. Then I left. What I really wanted to tell her was that she needed to learn how to stop taking things personally.

Whenever I walk into an elevator and there’s already someone in there, I say “Buenas”, because that’s a cultural practice in Latin America. Most of the time people answer my greeting. But sometimes they don’t. And when they don’t, I don’t take it personally.

In this story, it seems obvious that the quick public conflict was related to someone who was evaluating events through a super personalized lens. "Learn some manners..." is an assumption. It seems to come from a person who believes their immediate reading of a situation is fully accurate and worthy of comment. "When someone greets you...." indicating a grievance that comes from believing that someone has not treated this person respectfully. Quick to anger, quick to engage and in this case, inaccurate.

Reorient your thinking

Don Miguel Ruiz writes a lot about not taking things personally. He considers it to be one of four life rules for healthy living. He says, "Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are...(what)... they have in their own minds." We all have been negatively affected at one time or another by what others have said or done. The idea is to move through a kind of mental checklist in order to stay in reality and to work to be logical and thoughtful. A checklist like: I'm doing the best I can. Check. The other person may not see it the way I do. Check. What other explanations can there be? Check. Even if the other person doesn't do or say what I want, it may not be about me. Check.

Conflict and personalization

If you can move beyond taking things personally, you can be open to a new conflict narrative. You can be open to what is happening for the other person and be a learner. You can be self reflective and learn about yourself. You can be a willing partner in the process of working things out. Even if other people are personalizing the situation, you can have the intention of staying open and willing to be a creative thinker. This does not mean being a doormat. It means not internalizing others' opinions of you--or setting yourself up to be easily harmed by others. Hold to your own principles and stay open to what others can offer. Its not easy. In a conflict, don't take things personally.

Do this:

• Watch a quick video showing the importance of this in workplace conflict video

• Watch Oprah learn about not taking things personally video

• Read an article here or here