WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…
YOU CAN APOLOGIZE BETTER
The apology
It’s hard to apologize. OK that's the end of the column. Thanks for reading.
Well there is more to say about apologies and their use value in handling conflicts. But, let's just hover here for a minute. It is really hard to apologize well, to gather your thoughts, become humble, show genuine remorse and to communicate your 'I'm sorry' effectively.
Why are apologies so hard? My conflict resolution teacher Tammy Lenski writes about her struggles to apologize, and notes that fear is a factor.
As I contemplate the apology, I notice that fear colors what I’m anticipating may happen. All the images in my head cluster around fear: She will lash out. Others will hear. She will not accept the apology. She will write me off. She will be holier than thou. She will insult me as someone who cannot walk my own talk consistently. I will feel shame.
Apologies are asked for in mediation fairly often. Sometimes it’s exactly what is needed, and the person who apologizes does it with care and sincerity. Other times, though, the request for apology becomes a battle ground. As a mediator it is possible to help people to find a kind of side door to an apology. The person may not actually apologize, but the purpose is served in other ways. The mediator asks some well-crafted questions. Some might be:
Talk a little bit about what you want them to understand — the reasons behind your wish for an apology.
Why is an apology important to you?
What would an apology from them signal to you?
Can you talk about the impact of their words/actions on you?
These questions get to the interests underneath the request for an apology. If you missed the column on interests in conflict resolution you can read it here. Even if the apology is not forthcoming, the underlying concerns can be unearthed. Hopefully this leads to better communication between both parties, even if an actual apology might not be forthcoming.
Bad apologies
We have all experienced bad apologies, and maybe been the recipient or the creator of some bad ones ourselves. There are so many examples of bad apologies, this aspect of the topic almost goes without saying. Research shows the following are the top four ineffective apology approaches.
Failing to take meaningful responsibility.
Focusing on their own good intentions instead of the impact of their words or actions.
Using "if" or "but," as in "I’m sorry if you were offended" and "I'm sorry, but you took it the wrong way."
Sounding rote or mechanical, or coming across as uncaring or disingenuous.
How to apologize better
Recent research looked into possible components of apologies. Two stood out as more effective. If you are trying to craft an apology make sure to include both of these, if you want to make a difference in the situation.
Acknowledge your responsibility. This demonstrates willingness to “own” the impact of your words and/or actions.
Offer to repair the damage that was done. This helps restore tangible and/or intangible effects resulting from the deed.
Of course these two ingredients of an effective apology could be in place, and yet the apology may fall flat. That's because the apologizing person must use sincere and earnest body language, a positive vocal tone and a conducive setting. Mediators and conflict coaches can help clients to prepare for an apology by rehearsing all these components.
Core Values
Conflicts are related to values. People have conflicts when their values are challenged or when something happens that goes against their values. Apologies are related to core values as well. A research study looked into this and found that, "When people focus on their core values, they seem to become more willing to sincerely apologize" Karina Schumann from the University of Pittsburgh and her colleagues asked participants to write about the personal value they rank highest and in referencing these values, the individuals showed more willingness to apologize with sincerity to the other person. Mediators, conflict coaches and associates of those involved in conflicts might reference core values as a way to help the apologizing person put things in perspective.
Do this:
