Still Working from Home

Sara Barnes, Lead Mediator

We are home and doing our best to get through this time intact. Are you managing under the present circumstances?

In March the Mediation program was chugging along in one of our busiest months. Four courses up and running. About a dozen mediation cases moving forward. Some of us were planning to go off island for our statewide spring conference. We left one or another activity one day saying "see you next week!" And then. We didn't.

The new reality--its an overused phrase already. Who would have predicted that we would all know it means that we are staying far away from each other, learning new technology, checking the mirror to see our masked face. The news is grim and scary. We know people who are sick.

In difficult times, new ideas bubble to the surface. Otherwise, we would never have started writing a daily message about conflict resolution. Have you seen Working From Home the daily conflict resolution message? If not send us an email and we will add you on to the list.

Today two mediators held a perfectly normal mediation over a video conference platform. They were in different places, and managed to use their mediation tools and to help the disputants to come to an interim agreement.

The State conference happened on Monday. Online it took half the time and no one had to drive to see each other. Staring at ourselves in the video conference box, we found out what each other looks like in their living room, in their comfy chair, who has dogs and some interesting decor.

We are not under the mistaken impression that this situation is a good one. We know there is conflict out there, and we wish we could reach out to help more. And the inequities of the present moment seem particularly atrocious. We are thinking about each other and sending good thoughts to buoy spirits as best we can.

We were always in this together, though we might not have thought about it that way until now. Today, all of us at Martha's Vineyard Mediation are doing what we can to be a helpful part of our Island community. Let us know if there is something we can do to help you.

Conflict Coaching Can Work for You

Sara Barnes, Lead Mediator

Over this past year we have been building our Conflict Coaching service. MVMP has our own model called CLAMSHELL. In two hours of 1:1 coaching, participants can review a conflict scene, analyze many aspects of the conflict and develop a personalized plan for the future.

Who benefits from Conflict Coaching? Our clients are diverse. Some are:

• a divorcing mom who wants to not shut down when dealing with her ex partner

• a public official who wants be more effective when confronted with anger

• a mother of the groom to who wants to better handle an upcoming family wedding

• a wife who gets angry whenever she and her husband discuss an ongoing topic

• a supervisor who finds herself reactive to the actions of a particular employee

These conflicts are the stuff of everyday life. Our clients come to us seeking self improvement. They work with a caring and qualified coach who leads them through the coaching protocol.

The CLAMSHELL letters stand for the steps that happen sequentially as the coach and client move through the conflict coaching process.

• Clarify Goals

• Listen to conflict story

• Ask to understand

• Map the internal & external

• Survey mutuality

• Heartcheck & Reflect

• Explore Options & Rehearse

• Lock it in

• Look for Pearls

We have learned quite a bit over the last year from our Conflict Coaching clients. The close bonds between coaches and clients open up reflective dialogue. Here are a few important findings so far:

1:1 time

Just the process of sitting for two one hour sessions with another person, being listened to and treated with kindness has great value. For many clients, taking a break from busy lives, and focusing inward has powerful benefits.

Pick a conflict scene

Our process asks clients to set a goal and then pick a specific scene to review. The concise nature of picking one important conflict scene helps clients and coaches to focus in a targeted way. In two hours no one can change everything, but focusing closely on a well-defined incident has the benefit of helping the client to zoom in on the underlying forces behind the conflict.

Two sessions

The time between sessions provides time for participants to think things through and develop new perspectives. The second session is often the session where clients have revelations about conflicts in their life.

Mutuality

The beginning of the second session is when the coach leads the client to walk in the other person's shoes and to use the concept of mutuality. This tool is new ground for some people. Our coaches are excellent at helping their clients use this tool as a way to understand their own conflict situation.

If you know someone who you think could benefit from CLAMSHELL conflict coaching, please send them our way. Throughout 2020 we are providing the first two sessions free of charge, thanks to a grant from Newman's Own Foundation.

We can all use a assistance in dealing with conflicts--Conflict Coaching can be that helping hand.