Still Working from Home

Sara Barnes, Lead Mediator

We are home and doing our best to get through this time intact. Are you managing under the present circumstances?

In March the Mediation program was chugging along in one of our busiest months. Four courses up and running. About a dozen mediation cases moving forward. Some of us were planning to go off island for our statewide spring conference. We left one or another activity one day saying "see you next week!" And then. We didn't.

The new reality--its an overused phrase already. Who would have predicted that we would all know it means that we are staying far away from each other, learning new technology, checking the mirror to see our masked face. The news is grim and scary. We know people who are sick.

In difficult times, new ideas bubble to the surface. Otherwise, we would never have started writing a daily message about conflict resolution. Have you seen Working From Home the daily conflict resolution message? If not send us an email and we will add you on to the list.

Today two mediators held a perfectly normal mediation over a video conference platform. They were in different places, and managed to use their mediation tools and to help the disputants to come to an interim agreement.

The State conference happened on Monday. Online it took half the time and no one had to drive to see each other. Staring at ourselves in the video conference box, we found out what each other looks like in their living room, in their comfy chair, who has dogs and some interesting decor.

We are not under the mistaken impression that this situation is a good one. We know there is conflict out there, and we wish we could reach out to help more. And the inequities of the present moment seem particularly atrocious. We are thinking about each other and sending good thoughts to buoy spirits as best we can.

We were always in this together, though we might not have thought about it that way until now. Today, all of us at Martha's Vineyard Mediation are doing what we can to be a helpful part of our Island community. Let us know if there is something we can do to help you.

Conflict Coaching Can Work for You

Sara Barnes, Lead Mediator

Over this past year we have been building our Conflict Coaching service. MVMP has our own model called CLAMSHELL. In two hours of 1:1 coaching, participants can review a conflict scene, analyze many aspects of the conflict and develop a personalized plan for the future.

Who benefits from Conflict Coaching? Our clients are diverse. Some are:

• a divorcing mom who wants to not shut down when dealing with her ex partner

• a public official who wants be more effective when confronted with anger

• a mother of the groom to who wants to better handle an upcoming family wedding

• a wife who gets angry whenever she and her husband discuss an ongoing topic

• a supervisor who finds herself reactive to the actions of a particular employee

These conflicts are the stuff of everyday life. Our clients come to us seeking self improvement. They work with a caring and qualified coach who leads them through the coaching protocol.

The CLAMSHELL letters stand for the steps that happen sequentially as the coach and client move through the conflict coaching process.

• Clarify Goals

• Listen to conflict story

• Ask to understand

• Map the internal & external

• Survey mutuality

• Heartcheck & Reflect

• Explore Options & Rehearse

• Lock it in

• Look for Pearls

We have learned quite a bit over the last year from our Conflict Coaching clients. The close bonds between coaches and clients open up reflective dialogue. Here are a few important findings so far:

1:1 time

Just the process of sitting for two one hour sessions with another person, being listened to and treated with kindness has great value. For many clients, taking a break from busy lives, and focusing inward has powerful benefits.

Pick a conflict scene

Our process asks clients to set a goal and then pick a specific scene to review. The concise nature of picking one important conflict scene helps clients and coaches to focus in a targeted way. In two hours no one can change everything, but focusing closely on a well-defined incident has the benefit of helping the client to zoom in on the underlying forces behind the conflict.

Two sessions

The time between sessions provides time for participants to think things through and develop new perspectives. The second session is often the session where clients have revelations about conflicts in their life.

Mutuality

The beginning of the second session is when the coach leads the client to walk in the other person's shoes and to use the concept of mutuality. This tool is new ground for some people. Our coaches are excellent at helping their clients use this tool as a way to understand their own conflict situation.

If you know someone who you think could benefit from CLAMSHELL conflict coaching, please send them our way. Throughout 2020 we are providing the first two sessions free of charge, thanks to a grant from Newman's Own Foundation.

We can all use a assistance in dealing with conflicts--Conflict Coaching can be that helping hand.

Court or Mediation? How to decide?

Sara Barnes

Lead mediator

Some in the court room who are waiting for District Civil or Small Claims cases are thinking, I've got a good case, I'm going to win. When we offer them mediation, there are some who take us up on our offer. The mediators say to both, "Its a voluntary process. Everything you say is confidential and the mediators are neutral. Its up to you and the other party to come to a self-determined agreement. The mediators will help you write it up and the court can enter it as a judgement if that is what you wish."

Mediation is an empowering process--those involved use their own ideas about fairness and negotiate with each other. The mediator guides them through the interplay. Those involved in the conflict decide how to settle the matter. Usually the parties are able to come to a mutually agreeable settlement. We work with the goal of a win-win outcome.

In more cases than we would like to see, though, the parties reject mediation. They say something like, I know I am going to win. I have a good case. Its airtight, so I"ll just let the magistrate or judge decide because I know they will decide for me. And I will win. A win-lose concept.

Yet when we check back later, we see that many of these cases were decided in exactly the opposite way-- and that by rejecting mediation the party gave up their chance at a more favorable outcome. Why is that?

When two people of relatively good intentions try to figure out what's fair--its based on their own ideas. Sharing those ideas can be illuminating. Sometimes the previous poor communication and misunderstandings can be worked out quickly just by creating a mediation space to really listen to each other. The parties themselves, the experts in the situation, can come a mutually satisfactory outcome together. It takes time and willingness to listen and negotiate. But it works.

When cases come to our office, in advance of court days; or if we provide mediation in the court setting, parties do not lose their rights to be heard in court. If no agreement can be crafted in mediation, then parties can still go to court and present their case.

What does the court do? They judge or magistrate applies the law to the case as it is presented. Those in court may have little understanding of how the law has to be applied and may not know that what may seem to them to be obviously unfair, is found in the favor of the other party. If parties in a dispute want to leave the outcome in the hands of the court, and if they are willing to possibly lose everything, then starting out in district civil court or small claims make sense.

We at MVMP, along with the judge and clerk-magistrate, always suggest using mediation services first. We believe in the power and benefit of self determination and have found that mediated agreements can have other positive and uplifting effects for those who participate. In the end, those in mediation usually find that it is an empowering process. Maybe frustrating and emotionally draining, but an overall strong and meaningful experience. For many, going to court can seem dis-empowering.

Our hope, of course, is for these cases to come to the Mediation program long before they end up in court. Call our office if you can't work it out yourself. "I tried to mediate it myself" was said by a defendant in court last month. This statement shows a misunderstanding. Mediation involves a neutral and qualified third party. As Judge Barnes, our new District Court Judge says, "If you tried to mediate yourself, you did the opposite of mediation. You can't do it yourself, you need to use the mediators. They are the best in Dukes County and they know how to help."

January Mediation Musings

Building Community:

Talking about our Conflicts at Work

It’s a snowy, icy morning and the roads were difficult. Stomping the snow off our feet we greet each other. "You made it!" "Get some coffee and warm up." " I'm waiting to hear what happened with that situation from last week." "How is your son feeling?"

The greetings come from the cohort members who have been meeting together every Tuesday morning before work. Its the seventh session of the course and the members have decided to add two extra sessions on. "We need all the help we can get. And I get a lot from these discussions," said one participant.

This group has built a supportive community, talking about a topic that many shy away from: workplace conflict. Every Tuesday, a member presents a case study focused on a conflict at their work. They describe the situation, suggest what kind of feedback they are seeking and listen to the ideas of the other cohort members. With kindness, participants point out conflict management tools that might be helpful, notice patterns, suggest rephrasing or improved body language. The case study presenter leaves with lots of feedback and ideas to try out.

These are all supervisors, managers, business owners or staff members who want to improve how they handle conflicts. We use a self help text to pick up new ideas and I, as the facilitator, move things along and teach new concepts. But the glue that holds the whole thing together, is the individual stories and dilemmas that we all share with each other.

At the beginning of the course, we pledge confidentiality throughout the course and beyond, knowing that privacy is so important on this small island. Side conversations and partnerships arise. "Its amazing how, even though we are all in different businesses, we all are having the same problems," pointed out one participant.

This week one of our members shared their successes, following up on a situation described previously. "I kept quiet, I listened. I really tried to curb my judgement. And I didn't take it personally," The group gives lots of encouragement and congratulations. We know how hard it is to change habits and adopt new practices. And now we know its easier to do when you have a cadre of others who are working to do the same thing.

As the facilitator, I too gain new insights. I may have taught conflict resolution over many decades, but there is always so much more to learn and think about. Its an honor to spend my Tuesday mornings working with this group of Island leaders who are working to add more tools to their conflict resolution toolbox.

Sara Barnes

Lead Mediator

December Mediation Musings

 

MVMP is part of a network of Massachusetts Community mediation programs--MOPC Massachusetts Office of Public Collaboration.

Our Program Director wrote the following:

Hi everyone,

It has become something of a tradition now for me to send out a note of thanks to mark this peculiarly American and wonderful holiday of Thanksgiving. I am thinking particularly about things to be grateful for and the importance of valuing those around you.

So with that in mind I want to acknowledge an amazing year of progress and transition for many and also the extreme amount of hard work put in to manage these changes.  For those interested in such things:

·       3330 mediations 72.68% of which reached agreement

·       Outreach carried out to 19,310 at 449 outreach events

·       35 basic mediation trainings and 219 specialized trainings

·       93% of participants happy with the process and 90% would recommend to someone else

·       Nearly 50% of participants reporting thought that mediation had built their skills, improved communication and reduced conflict/stress

·       3 new centers were brought into the re-entry program

·       A new Probate and Family Court pilot was begun

·       We conducted a successful conference with the Trial Court

·       Many were trained in conflict coaching and are now offering services

I could go on and on, but for those less interested in numbers and more interested in the feeling the work generates, you can know that everything that was achieved was done in collaboration and friendship. 

While you are sitting with your turkey, nut roast or protesting against the holiday as a colonialist relic, I hope you are not thinking about work.  However you can bask in some of the successes of the past year and be grateful for your role as peacemakers.  Thank you so much for everything you do.

Yours in solidarity

Ros

Rosalind Cresswell,

Program Manager, MOPC