WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…
IS BULLYING THE SAME AS CONFLICT?
Bullying & harassment = power over
Bullying experiences stick with us.
Sally has a memory she has held on to throughout her life. She is in her sixties now. She remembers her first Easter egg hunt when she was three years old. Arriving with her basket, she ran to gather candies. A booming voice from a big man hit her from behind, "Come here little girl. Bring your basket! " He motioned her to stand in front of him. Yelling, "Dump your basket. You didn't wait until I said 'go!' Rude little girl!"
There's more to the story, having to do with Sally's own reaction and her family's approaches. For now let's stick to the incident so indelibly etched in her memory six decades later. The big man, the booming voice, the word rude.
What is bullying?
Bullying can take many forms:
verbal - threatening, name calling, put-down, sarcasm, yelling
physical - punching, kicking, looming over or threatening physically
psychological - excluding, manipulating, gaslighting
Bullying includes the component of power over another person. There are a number of ways to deal with bullying, but conflict resolution strategies are not included. See the difference between them in the contrasting explanations below.
Why can't you approach bullying like any conflict?
Bullying and harassment are based on a power difference or perceived power differential. Bullying is about power over another person. Conflict is between two equals or relative equals--power with another person. Look at this set of contrasting definitions from the National Bullying Prevention Center:
Conflict is a disagreement or argument in which both sides express their views.
Bullying is negative behavior directed by someone exerting power and control over another person.
When you look at the above contrasting explanations, you can see the stark difference. The use of conflict resolution techniques, mediation or facilitation is built upon the equality or approximate equality between all parties. With clear cut bullying, a conflict resolution structure can serve to re-victimize the targeted person. The response has to be a different one including legal or use of organizational/personal authority. As well, the Restorative Justice circle approach to uplifting the victim and restoring the victimizer to the community.
This is the Conflict Styles matrix. (See day 1 and day 6.). Along the left axis is the Assertiveness scale--and Bullying is off the Conflict chart. As you see above and outside of the Avoid, Accommodate, Compete, Compromise, Collaborate section is the Power Over territory.
I don't want to be a victim
There are laws and clear cut systems in place to address bullying. If in a workplace, there are laws that relate to ongoing and unaddressed patterns of this kind of behavior and the organization may have a procedure in place. Schools have been working to address these matters and continue to develop systems and structures. If in the home, domestic violence hotlines and social work organizations have approaches to help. If you want to address bullying and you are the target, seek help from powerful others who will help you to come up with a plan. The first step is to admit there is a problem.
I don't want to be a bully
If you are looking in the mirror and worried you might be looking at a bully, there are things you can do. Make this your self-improvement project. Seek help from a mental health professional and state your goal is to address this issue. Read everything about the topic. Tell the people around you that you are working to improve on this misuse of power. Look back through your life to find where you learned to use your power in this way. The first step is to admit there is a problem.
Put an end to bullying culture
In Sally's scene above, there was more to the story. An ally came to her defense. The bullying adult was addressed strongly by another adult. Be an ally to come to the targeted person's defense, if it is safe to do so. Call bullying and harassment by their names. We can end bullying if we all work together. Look below at the picture of all the little fish who were able to unite together. Use your own power when you can. Work with others when that is best. Try to not let bullying go unaddressed.
Do this:
Look around for bullying and harassment. Noticing and naming something is an important first step.
Have you been a bully or a victim of bullying/harassment? Seek help from others to work on your own approach to this.
MVMP offers conflict coaching, a 1:1 coaching process, designed to help you make a plan to work with others to address bullying. We do not provide therapy but can make referrals.
Read this and many other aspects at the National Bullying Prevention Website Bullying or Conflict?
There's a series Anne with an E on Netflix now where a number of episodes show textbook examples of bullying toward the main character Anne. See the character Gilbert and others for examples of allies.
Workplace bullying or harassment? Here's an article about the problem. Workplace bullying
MVMP offers Restorative Justice facilitators who can help with the circle process.