NEW ATTITUDE - DON’T ASSUME

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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NEW ATTITUDE - DON’T ASSUME

Assumptions get in the way of conflict resolution

The life cycle of an assumption

"I know exactly what he is thinking." says the neighbor in the mediation session "Look at him, you can see it, just look at him." Or the client in a private session during a corporate facilitation session, "Can't you hear that in her voice, I know she is being dishonest. I can tell just by listening to her." Or, "They are out to get us, they are lining us up like pins and then, wham, here comes the bowling ball." says the employee in a contract negotiation.

All assumptions, and not helpful. I call it snapshot thinking, because in my view, what happens is that one person takes a snapshot and fills in all kinds of information that may or may not be true based on their biases, imagination, fear and limited experience. Boom. You've got a full-blown assumption. It started as a snapshot, a moment in time, and became a full blown epic story. And much of it is inaccurate and becomes a barrier to a peaceful resolution of the conflict.

Its hard for mediators, conflict coaches, facilitators and others in the conflict resolution field to deal with a client's hardened assumptions. Here's how the assumption is created. The individual takes in data. They pick through data selectively. They ascribe a meaning to the data. They believe the meaning they have settled on as true. They then pay attention only to what confirms their assumption.

Dissecting this assumption is sometimes the most important contribution a conflict resolution specialist can provide. In order to resolve a conflict, assumptions need to be put aside. Here's what it sounds like in a mediation--during a private session:

Mediator "So you have said that Robin only wants to hurt you."

  • Client "Yeah you can see it in their eyes. You see it too, I know you do."

"Well I'm wondering what it means to you that Robin is willing to be here in mediation."

  • "They are just trying to make me miserable, and they are enjoying how hard this is."

"Help me understand where you are coming from. Is there something Robin has done today that shows this?"

  • "No you are not going to see it, Robin is on their best behavior with you.

"Is there anything you could possibly see or hear from Robin that would help you to undo your assumption that Robin is out to hurt you?"

  • "No there is nothing that would show me that, nothing Robin can do would change my thinking."

The ladder of inference

Start at the bottom of the ladder. The information is real and easily documented. Its the meaning behind that information that becomes someone's assumption. Unless the person does research to determine whether their hypothesis is correct or in error - asks questions, keeps an open mind, considers multiple possibilities, knows that their first reaction is often inaccurate. Once you've climbed up the ladder, its hard to back down. Better to avoid making assumptions right from the beginning.

How you stop the ladder of inference from taking over your thought process? If you tend to jump to conclusions, it may be difficult to re-orient your habitual thinking. Some step-by-step challenges to try:

  • Take off your blinders and gather lots of information, some of it might seem contradictory at first. In the above scenario, the observable data was that Rashmi took sick leave. Push yourself to make a list, maybe of 10 different possibilities of what might be happening. All kinds of ideas, some can be unusual.

  • Imagine the other person, think about them sympathetically. Try to not jump to conclusions. What would they want you to be thinking?

  • When you have the opportunity (in this case that would take time until Rashmi returned to work) check things out with an open mind.

  • If you find yourself climbing the ladder, consider what part fear and/or lack of power might play in your reflexive loop. Is this assumption more about you and not the other person?

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– Workplace Conflict Management Services