Mediation Musings: Empathy
By: Sara Barnes
“You are all so much nicer than I am.” We had added a new mediator to our roster who had mostly court mediation experience. I answered, “We are following the facilitative mediation process. I really don’t know if that means any of us are nice or not. We try to put the principle of self-determination into practice. We are cordial. We listen. Maybe that is what seems particularly nice?” I continued, “Anyway, it’s a good thing, right?”
The person wasn’t sure. “Sometimes you have to be tougher and not so nice to get people to do things.” I moved the conversation forward, thinking that the distance for this mediator to journey from court-oriented to community-connected mediation practice could be challenging. I could have mentioned that it is not the mediator’s job to “get people to do things,” but I didn’t because I was experiencing a sense of empathy with this new member of our team.
The Empathy Component
In hindsight, I now think I should have drawn the mediator’s attention to the concept of mediator empathy. I believe the best mediators are empathetic toward those with whom they work. Alternately, I’ve seen that those who seem to lack empathy tend to be those who don’t stay in this field for long. In conflict resolution, I think, the empathy ingredient is often the part that creates the whole.
Most mediators I have met came into the work from another service-oriented profession such as law, education or mental health, and they have experience working with the public. For these folks, the move into taking a more impartial role can be a challenge. For those who have never provided professional service, the sheer intensity of the emotional and psychic toll on the mediator can be surprisingly taxing. The process takes time; people act in unfamiliar ways and staying flexible and attentive requires a fair bit of energy. All practitioners need to guard against burnout. In mediation, conflict coaching and group facilitation, this quality of empathy needs some consistent and intentional nurturing.
Conflict resolvers need to regularly apply some empathy to themselves. The stress can send people toward negativity. It’s a normal reaction to ascribe doom and gloom to something that takes so much effort on the mediator’s part, for sometimes no discernable positive outcome. Those who can hold on to belief in the power of their own work while committing to the belief that the participants are the experts in their own life, and to not negatively judge: these practitioners are more likely to stick with the conflict resolution field. Mediators and other conflict resolvers who have well-developed empathy muscles, both toward themselves and toward participants, seem to be the ones, in my experience, who have longevity in this work.
Too Much Empathy?
Even if the mediator’s empathy is being evenly distributed between the participants, too much expressed empathy runs the danger of being a distraction within the mediation process. As facilitative mediators we agree to help people to move toward their self-determined goals of conflict resolution. When they agreed to mediate, they were likely looking for someone to run a process that gets them where they want to be—leaving with a mutual agreement or a better understanding with the other person. Finding a comfortable balance of expressed empathy and other mediator tools is the art and craft of this work.
In Building Emotional Awareness: Navigating Client Emotions with Sensitivity, Seong Rhee makes some important points about grounding emotions in the service of preserving empathy. “Empathy is the cornerstone of effective coaching, but new coaches often find themselves taking on clients’ emotions rather than observing them objectively [my emphasis]. This tendency, while rooted in compassion, can lead to emotional fatigue, burnout or blurred boundaries. Cultivating empathy involves learning to be fully present with a client’s emotions without internalising them.” Rhee, January 2025