WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…
I TEND TO USE THE AVOIDING CONFLICT STYLE
Using the Avoiding Conflict Resolution style
In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.
We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the avoiding style, located down to the left, then that's likely your go-to approach.
Avoiding conflict is...
In conflict resolution, we say that, in general, the avoid stance is a lose-lose approach. That's because the two people who have a conflict don't get to share their concerns, negotiate and develop understanding, and because of this, both parties lose out. Although many people have a negative view of conflict, we think that the process of working conflicts out can be a net positive. Working toward a win-win or at least a compromise is all about learning, growth and improved outcomes for both parties. We only make improvements through the process of struggle. Our view is that all human advancement is the result of conflict that is resolved, sometimes through trials and tribulations, but ends up with something better at the end.
The lose-lose part of avoid is when there are real deeply-felt conflicts that are just buried. Or more accurately, like the ostrich, the head is buried while the conflict sits there, unresolved, unadressed and growing over time. Avoiding handling conflicts does not make them go away. Many people who are most comfortable with avoiding conflict, may have little confidence in their own abilities to articulate their thoughts. Or they may have learned that avoidance is the best and most honorable way to go. But when someone lives a life of trying to avoid conflicts, they do catch up. And the consequent process of trying to avoid dealing with issues creates a lifestyle of fear. Not a recipe for a fully realized life well-lived.
People who are avoiders could be the result of cultures or micro cultures--and may have been learned early in life. 'Don't say something if you can't say something nice.' Its a pleasant thought. If taken to extremes, however, this saying can serve to repress individual's concerns and ideas. Children should be seen and not heard, an old fashioned phrase. It may have the effect of teaching us all to not advance our dilemmas and provides no guidance on how to interact when trying to discuss conflicting views. Boys will be boys, might be the kind of thought that diminishes all genders' abilities to consider each other's experiences and individually work things out due to stereotyped behaviors. We can do better with our young people.
Avoiding conflict is not...
This is not about small matters that are inconsequential. When people ignore, sidestep and give the benefit of a doubt for these small things, that's a choice. They can be exhibiting graciousness. Or saying to themselves, let's not sweat the small stuff. They could be drawing upon their own generosity. Or realizing there are bigger fish to fry. When someone decides, through a pragmatic thought process, to move on to bigger and better things, they are not avoiding. Instead they are making a thoughtful choice.
That goes for 'going to the balcony' to determine how to proceed and giving the situation a little space. "Most things resolve themselves," said my first boss and his wisdom has oftentimes been born out. Being too quick on the draw can lead to bigger and more difficult conflicts. The conflict resolution concept of the balcony is a strategy to buy time and make considered moves.
Being pragmatic and choosing to avoid can also be a healthy choice. If you have just been hired, and a conflict immediately arises, the employee might be smart to avoid the conflict while getting their bearings. Conflict with a powerful figure, let's say a citizen while interacting with police, would be a moment to avoid confronting or addressing a conflict. And dependent upon the individual's status in the society, they might decide to permanently avoid conflict issues in order to preserve their .
When is avoid conflict style a wise choice?
There are many situations in which compromise might be the best method. For example:
When an issue is trivial and other issues are more important or pressing -
When tattempts to deal with the problem will likely result in futility and may make matters worse.
When the potential cost of confronting the conflict outweighs the benefits in addressing it.
To buy time and give angry people an opportunity to "cool down" so that tensions can be reduced
To refrain from making a rushed decision and allow time to obtain more information or support -
When it is more appropriate for others to resolve the conflict - resist getting in the middle of conflicts that are better dealt with by other people.
When the issue at hand is tangential or a "smoke screen" for the real problem that needs to be addressed
Why are people Avoiders?
Why do people tend to avoid? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "A person who consistently takes an avoiding approach to dealing with disagreements has likely experienced life events which reinforced the notion that conflict is bad." Individuals who tend to avoid may have had a traumatic experience that causes them to go into the 'flight or freeze' part of the fight/flight/freeze trio.
There are services available to help people who feel stuck in the avoid gear. Professional counseling is best if this is considered a long standing psychological pattern that has deep roots. Mediation is, by its nature, a process that does not avoid the conflict. Just the process of telling someone you would like to work out a conflict, is a big step away from the avoiding style. For many people the process of conflict coaching can be an uplifting and enlightening process of working 1:1 with a conflict coach to add new tools to the conflict resolution toolbox.
Do this:
Read this article about the avoiding conflict style
If you tend to be an avoider, look to see if you can begin to work to resolve the smallest conflicts. Can you raise your concerns and put forward your ideas with a person you trust? Can you work toward a compromise with another person--its a start. Your interests are important and you might find that others want to hear from you and would be very willing to try to find a solution.
The avoid style in business, when it works and when it doesn't.
Go to the balcony video
William Ury is looking for the 18th camel, looking for the win/win. Video here.