WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…
WEDNESDAY SKILLS - BODY LANGUAGE
Add this tool to your toolbox
Your body language has a major effect on conflict
Body Language
Ok we are going to talk about body language. No don't click off. Yes talking about body language means we are going to talk about bodies. So let's get this out of the way first.
You have a good body. It is not too big, or too small. Its just exactly tall enough and your chin is really fabulous just the way it is. Your skin is really quite wonderful in its exact wrinkliness, its hue is absolutely gorgeous. Your bald head, your warts, the grey, the roundness of your nose, your feet--all of it is just terrific. Forget all those other messages that are designed to make you feel diminished. Your body is just fine and you can make good use of it in conflict resolution.
Still here? Great. For something so important, so obvious, we spend a amazingly little amount of time focusing on how to use our bodies to best effect in resolving conflicts. We idolize the athletic achievements, the artistic use of the body, the performers. So let me ask you this, when has someone commented that your have communicated so well with the way you sat in the chair, how you leaned forward in just the right way, the method of using your eyebrows and that expressive squint. Let's get better at using the most crucial tool in our toolbox--our bodies.
Facial expression
Anthropologist Ray Birdwhistell estimated we can make and recognize around 250,000 facial expressions. Which ones are your best? This generation is perfecting the selfie culture. Those facial expressions are often designed to help others to see each other as attractive and friendly. Which other facial expressions are in your repertoire that you can call upon when you need them? Today while we are holding so many of our meetings on video conferencing, if you are able to record yourself, you might have a great set of data to study.
A very experienced mediator saw himself on video. "Do you mean that is what I look like the clients? Why didn't anyone tell me that all you can see is my eyebrows and glasses," he inquired. And we probably should have mentioned it before. As the parties sat in mediation, the combination of his reading glasses and brows meant that the parties were unable to connect with him face on. A conscious adjustment over time meant he was able to use his face and connect in a more effective way.
Neutral facial expressions and micro expressions
Holding your face in a neutral and relaxed expression is a useful skill to have. It takes some strong training. Once you have the capability to hold a neutral expression, it will come in handy in life as well as conflict resolution. Have you been told that everyone always knows what you are thinking? Then you have more work to do. We all have tiny muscular movements in our faces, called micro expressions, and they are easily picked up on by others. To have a neutral expression, your thought process might need to be neutral. After millions of years of evolution, our species has survived by picking up clues from others. If you clear your mind and reserve judgement, your facial expression is likely to follow.
To relax your face, do some facial stretches. Squinch up all your muscles, count to 5 then relax for 10. Do this a few times. Then open your mouth as wide as possible for 5 and then relax for 10. Just these two exercises, taking about 5 minutes at most, can help your face to relax and show your open mind to others.
Be careful not to mirror other's expressions
Others yawn, you yawn, right? We all mirror others, its a natural human process. When you find yourself in a conflict situation, you may notice others with facial expressions that indicate their thoughts, emotions and judgements. Be careful not to mirror other's expressions. such as:
Tightness around mouth and eyes
Frowning, scowling, and glaring
Lowered eyebrows
Tense jaw
Glaring intently
Awareness and avoidance of expression mirroring, can help to support a positive conflict resolution process. One person's expressions are difficult. When both people use these expressions, the conflict can devolve into aggression and/or distrust. Better to keep a calm and open face that invites conversation.
Gestures
We have all developed habits for use of our hands and arms when communicating. Much of this is cultural, some is un-examined. No matter where your habitual gestures come from, there are a few that are generally difficult and can undermine a peaceful communication such as:
Pointing and jabbing fingers
Crossed arms and legs
Clenched fists
Quick and jerky moves
Banging the table
Shrugging or dismissive moves
Hands on hips
None on this list should be considered forbidden. Instead develop an awareness of your use of these gestures. Know that they can have a powerful effect on the receiver and may be at cross purposes to the conflict resolution process.
There are some helpful gestures that can be supportive during a difficult conversation. Try:
Head nodding with understanding and acceptance
Open hand gestures
Arms uncrossed
Chest exposed
Slow, deep breathing
If you tend to have uncontrolled gestures, you might want to work on this. Try the last bullet above if you can't do anything else. A little oxygen helps everything to go better, and your brain gets what it need to be more aware.
Body and stance
There's a reason the judge is up high above everyone else in the court. This stance indicates the elevation of the judge role. The judge is the decider for others, its not a mutual process. If you, however, want to develop a mutually agreed upon outcome, make sure you are eye to eye and at an equal or lower level. If your social role might tend to convey a higher status upon you, try getting slightly lower in order to create an equal playing field. If you are tall and have to look down on people when standing, see if you can find a stool or table to lean on to become eye to eye. No one likes to be loomed over, and even with the best of intentions our natural reaction toward keeping ourselves safe, can hinder collaborative dispute resolution.
Squaring off your body to the other person is another aspect to for awareness. When you see someone only showing you their side and turning away, it may be interpreted as a lack of comittment or fear of interaction. If you want to show you are sincere and open, open up your torso to the other person and sit up, not rigid, showing the interaction is important to you. Slumping can mean you find the situation unimportant. Stretching your arm out over other chair backs or behind others can come across as aggressive. Bending over and looking down, can show timidness or a lack of willingness to interact. A lot to think about. As with any self improvement, awareness and intention is the place to start.
Here's a list from the Talented Ladies Club (love the name), article link is below. Its a helpful list, don't you think?
Uncross your arms. A crossed arms posture can show contempt, act as a barrier or show disinterest.
Relax, but not too much. Keeping a straight back but relaxing the shoulders shows attentiveness and stifles the raised shoulders of feeling tense. Relaxing too much and slouching might indicate disinterest.
Maintain eye-contact. This shows interest and is a sign of respect. Blink and look away momentarily (to prevent staring) but look at the person speaking as much as possible without it becoming uncomfortable.
Make relaxed movements. When we are feeling alarmed or confronted we can often make fast and jerky movements with our hands and body. If we are relaxed our body tends to relax. Try to keep your body relaxed even though you might not be feeling calm.
Signal non-aggression. Generally ‘squaring’ up to someone can signal aggression. By standing slightly side on and using open hand gestures you are signalling non-aggression. Just because you might not be an aggressive person does not mean that you would not be signalling aggression.
Get the distance right. Whether sitting or standing it’s important to be close enough to show a willingness to engage, but not so far that you become out of touch. A position of around four feet or so from the other person shouldn’t occupy their personal space and should feel comfortable for both.
Smile and nod. The occasional smile shows an air of warmth but it should not be false. It may only need to be for a second, but it should be genuine. An accompanying nod affirms the smile and can infer agreement.
The real trick is develop body language awareness. First pay attention to what you have to learn and improve. Then start looking at other's body language, and see if you can pick up on some of these moves. Turn the sound off on the TV or watch in a language you can't understand, and try to see what you can pick up. Use what you've got, your body, and there's a lot your body, face and gestures can do to help things along.
Do this:
Record yourself. Do you like what you see? Pick one specific goal that will help you come across in the way you intend. Keep recording. Or ask a partner to watch you more carefully and give you feedback.
Working on confidence, this might help.
First chapter of Definitive Book of Body Language.
The Talented Ladies club is for ladies and others.
Lots of pictures here.
Very quick video showing your body posture changes your body chemistry and thoughts.