CONFLICT COMPONENTS - POWER

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - POWER

Power in conflict resolution

Much below is excerpted/derived from Dissecting Power and How it Influences Conflict by Ellen Kandell

Power is the ability to influence an outcome or get a task completed. To understand power, it is vital to know the context in which it is being exerted and the other forces and influences in play. In the context of conflict, power is defined as the ability to get one’s needs met. For a conflict to exist each of those involved must have some degree of power and the ability to influence the outcome of the conflict.

Understanding Structural and Personal Power

Power is an elusive concept because it has so many manifestations. Everyone has many potential sources of power, most of which he or she is often unaware. Some are independent of the conflict while others can be enhanced or diminished by the process of conflict. Structural power is derived from the situation. One form of structural power is formal authority. Changes in structural power usually require systemic fixes. Personal power is inherent in the individual, their personal characteristics and traits. Personal power may come from communication skills, training or experience.

Key Types of Power

Formal: The authority given by an institution, by a set of laws or policies or by virtue of one’s position, such as school principal, board president or city council member.

Legal: Rights and choices defined by law or policy. Related are the resources a person has to pursue legal action.

Information: Data and knowledge. If one party to a conflict has information that the other doesn’t then they may have power in a conflict.

Association: This kind of power comes from the connection with other people or groups, such as political entities, trade associations or any other organization.

Resources: The ability to control resources whether tangible in the form of money, labor or time, or intangible, such as reputation and stamina, is a significant source of power

Rewards and sanctions: The ability to confer benefits or rewards and impose sanctions or penalties.

Morals: Power can flow from an appeal to the values, beliefs and ethics or from an attack on the values of those with whom you are in conflict.

Personal characteristics: This kind of power derives from an individual’s inherent make up, such as their perseverance, endurance, intelligence, communication skills, determination, and emotional and physical strength.

Some of these types of power are compatible with each other while others are not. For example:

• A person with tangible resources may be effectively able to use the threat of a lawsuit to negotiate a settlement.

• The use of an appeal to morals may not be effective if one doesn’t have personal characteristics to evoke this use of power.

• In the workplace context, a manager may have formal authority based on her position which was obtained by virtue of her intellect but her power may be diminished if she doesn’t have the skills to manage people on her team.

The amount of power an individual has is less important than how effectively it is marshaled. According to Bernard Mayer in his book, The Dynamics of Conflict Resolution, “Sometimes it is important to use power to change a situation, and sometimes it is necessary to show a willingness to use power.” And sometimes is important to put clear power differences aside and create a more even playing field.

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - TONE OF VOICE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - TONE OF VOICE

Add this tool to your toolbox

Your tone of voice can cause or calm a conflict

Tone of Voice

Try this. Say 'That's really interesting' in a normal and even-handed tone of voice. Now say it again in a bored tone. Now again in the way you would when you are surprised. Now try 'That's really interesting' with a sarcastic tone. What's the point? The same words can communicate a very different message dependent upon your tone of voice.

These days while we are doing so much communication remotely, we are missing out on much of the in-person body language we usually rely upon. Your tone is highly important to communicate effectively. Many conflicts are resolved or perpetuated by a tone of voice.

Your voice as a tool

You can improve your vocal tone and use your voice more effectively. Do you dislike hearing yourself on recordings? Most people do. Get over it, and start listening to yourself on recordings. Do you notice that you are using a sing-song cadence, and you would like to sound more even-handed? Give it a try. Have you been told you are too bossy and demanding? Listen to see if you can hear it in your recorded voice and try a new tone that is more inviting and collaborative. Would you like to speak more authoritatively? Work on having a more even tone and speaking more slowly. Would you like to use your voice to communicate kindness? Listen to see if you can hear yourself using tone that connotes kindness and caring.

Just like any tool, you can learn to use your voice better and more effectively. It starts with having a goal and intention, and setting forward on a journey toward improvement. And every journey begins with a single step or in this case a single word.

Conflict and vocal tone

This is a pretty surprising statistic. Some research indicates that between 80 and 90% of conflict is related to tone of voice. And under 10% is derived from the actual words. With so much riding on this one tool, it seems pretty important to pay attention to it and work to develop the tone of voice that you want to have.

If you have a conflict, this is an area to which you should pay close attention. Do you tend to have a higher or louder or more clipped and brusque tone of voice when you are in a conflict? There are things you can do to improve. Practice the tone of voice you would like to adopt. Record it and rehearse until you like what you hear. When you are stressed, work to speak more slowly and deliberately. Breathe. Then breathe again. When the adrenaline is flowing, it affects your vocal chords and this stress-filled voice will come across to the other person. You will want to consciously calm yourself so your voice can be a partner in conflict resolution and not a hindrance to the process.

Your voice reflects your thought process, more than you know. If you are angry, your voice will convey this emotion. That is fine if you choose to put this emotion across to the other person. But it should be a choice. You can train your voice to come across more even-handed and calm--it requires some self reflection and practice.

Individual vocal tone challenges

Everyone has a different set of vocal tone challenges. Have you heard from others that they notice something about your voice? Take this helpful feedback seriously. No one can change the actual mechanics of their vocal structure, but like any musical instrument, practice makes perfect and you can learn to use your vocal instrument more expertly. If you would like to be able to use your voice in the service of resolving conflicts, it can be done with some concerted effort.

Do this:

• Record your voice. Do you like what you hear? Pick one specific goal that will help you come across in the way you intend. Keep recording. Or ask a partner to listen to you more carefully and give you feedback.

• Ted talk about vocal tone and leadership,

• Article about vocal tone and conflict in the workplace.

Using the Compromising Conflict Resolution style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

I TEND TO USE THE COMPROMISING CONFLICT STYLE

Using the Compromising Conflict Resolution style

In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.

Compromising conflict style is...

We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the compromising style, located smack in the middle of the the chart, then that's likely your go-to approach.

Compromising can be a great method to come to a more fair outcome in comparison with the Avoid, Compete and Accommodate styles. Its a big improvement over these approaches which end up with Lose/Win, Win/Lose or Lose/Lose outcomes. In this context we can say that Compromise is Win/Lose -Win/Lose--a little bit of both for both people.

Imposed Compromise

Many are familiar with the orange story. Here's a quick review. Two sisters want the last orange. They fight. Frustrated mom comes, hears the argument and takes her knife and slices the orange into two halves, handing half each to her two daughters.

Compromise? Well sort of. In this case, its an imposed compromise. The girls didn't resolve it themselves, it was decided by another person--a powerful third party acting as the decider. Fair outcome? Whether its fair or not is up to the disputants, not the decider, so we don't really know. They each got half of what they wanted, it was resolved quickly, bingo bango. We don't really know, because the two disputants didn't get to figure it out with each other. This is important in any conflict resolution process. Someone else deciding is not optimal---though sometimes necessary in the interest of time.

Self determined compromise

If possible, though, allowing those in the dispute to decide what's fair would be better. Preserving their self-determination. Instead of imposing a solution, a neutral mediator would work to help the the two sisters to talk and listen to each other and to begin understand the other's perspective. Through mediation they might come up with an entirely different outcome--and decide it is a fair one that they like. Or they themselves might decide to cut the orange in half and even thought they only would end up with half of what they wanted, it would have been their own compromise, made together through discussion. A compromise determined in this way can help to preserve or build a relationship.

When is compromising style a wise choice?

There are many situations in which compromise might be the best method. For example:

• When differences have been discussed and its time to move on.

• When it is unrealistic to totally satisfy everyone.

• When the goals of both parties have equal importance and merit.

• When the situation requires a quick resolution, even if temporary.

• When there's no time/energy available for collaboration.

• When "splitting the difference" is the fair and best solution.

• When the value of maintaining relationships is more important.

• When the parties can agree to disagree and live with the decision.

Thoughtful Compromisers

Why do people tend to compromise? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "These people are more likely to be objective in their assessment of differences and use factual information when weighing their options. Individuals with a thinking preference typically make pragmatic decisions based on deductive reasoning." Individuals who tend to compromise are aware of other's desires and are willing to engage in discussions to consider each other's ideas and interests. The idea of 'splitting the difference' appeals to their logical reasoning.

When is compromising not good?

Compromising is generally better than the other three styles mentioned previously. Talking it out and ending up with both individuals losing a little as well as winning a little sure seems like a pretty fair way to go. Right? Yet sometimes the material thing at the center of the dispute is not the real conflict--but a stand in for emotional or relational conflict. In this case the compromise may just delay the needed deeper discussion to get to the core of the conflict.

In the case of the sisters and the orange, a compromise was a quick but incomplete outcome. As those who know this classic story remember, the sisters wanted the orange for different purposes. One sister wanted to zest the peel for a baking project. With her half she had half the zest she needed and had to manage the baking with less. A win/lose. She threw the inner fruit away. Sister two had wanted to eat the orange fruit herself, and ended up eating half of what she wanted. A win/lose as well. Had the two sisters had the time and energy to talk the issue out, they would have learned this from each other. Both would have been able to collaborate and come up with a new outcome where both of them each got what they wanted. Having started each with the position, 'I want the whole orange!" they could have ended up with 'Both of us got exactly what we want." A Collaborative outcome--the conflict style that our organization tries to work toward when we mediate.

Do this:

• Read this article about the compromising conflict style

• If you tend to be an compromiser, look to see if you can push past the 'split the difference' quick fix. Can you collaborate on a new and creative way to resolve the conflict?

• The compromise style in business, when it works and when it doesn't.

• William Ury is looking for the 18th camel, looking for the win/win. Video here.

MATCHING THE RIGHT CONFLICT TO THE RIGHT SERVICES

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

MATCHING THE RIGHT CONFLICT TO THE RIGHT SERVICES

Which conflicts are appropriate for which conflict services?

You may not have noticed it but we are all always swimming in conflict. We are so used to it, we don't notice that we have conflict all around. Its like the fish who encounters another fish who then asks "how's the water?" The first fish replies "water, what's water?"

Internal conflict, interpersonal conflict, workplace conflict, political conflict, spiritual conflict, historical conflict, international conflict, family conflict and on and on. There's a lot of conflict going around. Conflict can be depleting and demoralizing. In our work, we want to counter this common impression and to instead help people to see conflict as an opportunity to learn, grow, gain deeper understanding and to develop new innovation. Human history and development has been fueled by conflict and humanity's drive to overcome adversity. We have a hopeful approach to conflict.

Which services, systems and tools are the right ones for each different conflict job? Here's a quick overview.

Internal conflict

We all have internal conflict and there are various ways to make decisions. Most of us respond to internal conflict by puzzling it out on our own, weighing pros and cons, researching and giving our personal conflicts some time to become clear in our own minds. When a life pattern becomes a problem we might seek help from others such as support groups or friends and family. When difficult behavior patterns have negatively impacted the quality of our lives, a therapist, counselor or other professional can provide needed support. When patterns of handling conflict are the source of the internal conflict, conflict coaching can be helpful so the individual can work with a coach to develop new approaches to conflict.

Interpersonal Conflict

When a conflict arises that needs to be resolved between people, there is a continuum of how to handle that conflict. One individual involved can use conflict resolution strategies and reach out to the other person and negotiate a resolution. A trusted and neutral person can facilitate a discussion between the conflicting parties--creating a more positive environment for communication and shared understanding. Formal mediation may be needed, where a qualified and neutral mediator works with the disputants through a structured protocol.

When interpersonal conflict rises to a higher level, the process of conciliation/settlement conference can be the needed approach--usually within the legal framework and based upon law and legal precedents. Arbitration is a formal process that happens outside of court, but within the bounds of the legal system with an arbitrator--basically a privatized judge--deciding the outcome. At the farthest end of this continuum, we see court and legal rulings as the decision-making structure.

On this continuum (see below) we move from left to right, from fully self-determined to fully not self-determined outcomes. Picking the place to start is the important decision--unless you are looking for a legal ruling or to set a precedent in the law--farther over to the left would generally make the most sense. Community mediation programs can offer facilitation, mediation and conciliation services and help to empower the disputants and preserve their self determination.

Bullying, Harassment, Coercion and Manipulation

Last week we talked about bullying as a set of behaviors that are off the conflict resolution chart. Harassment, coercion and manipulation are there too--beyond the realm of conflict resolution services. These syndromes are based on the bully attempting to have power over another person--and these situations are not likely to be resolved through a solely mutual process. They must be handled by those in power, in alliance with the person being harmed. This is where the boss, principal, police and criminal justice system have to provide support for the intended victim. Once the situation is well in hand, the restorative justice system can be used in order to restore the dignity to the affected person and allow the offender to earn their way back to community acceptance.

Societal conflict

Public awareness, social movements, political involvement, community empowerment, economic advocacy, environmental activism are approaches to bigger and more structural conflicts in our world. Its important to pull the lens wider out to look at these societal conflicts in order to fill in the conflict picture. For those who are the targets of a structural system that causes discrimination and degradation, the individual conflicts are not easily solved in a case by case basis. The societal structure is the cause of the conflict. Looking back on social movements in the past that struggled to overcame such unfair structures, we can see that these movements are a part of the full spectrum of conflict resolution.

Do this:

• Review the various services and methods of conflict resolution. Can you see places in your life and community where these services would be helpful?

• Are you familiar with restorative justice? Here's a quick explanation. Restorative justice

• What's mediation? Mediation

• What's arbitration? Arbitration

• What's conflict coaching? Conflict Coaching

• Take a moment to look at all the conflict around you. Don't forget the political, economic and historical conflict upon which your life is built. Instead of hiding from conflict, try to find as many conflicts as you can. Write, draw or otherwise depict yourself swimming in conflict.

• We are part of a statewide network of Massachusetts community mediation programs. Take a look. Resolution MA

NEW ATTITUDE - BANISH THE GOOD/BAD DUO

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

NEW ATTITUDE - BANISH THE GOOD/BAD DUO

No More Good/Bad Binary

Right • Wrong

Wonderful • Despicable

Angelic • Devilish

Acceptable • Unacceptable

Right • Wrong

We've been taught to think of most things in terms of the binary. Meaning two. The unity of opposites. Ever heard these sayings, 'Two kinds of people in the world,' or 'There's a right way and a wrong way,' or 'Its not complicated, its either good or its bad.' We've all heard these ideas. Let's look at them a bit more closely and see what their effect is on our daily life and its inevitable conflicts.

This is not about opinion. You've got an opinion and want to call something good or bad , like 'beets are sooo good!' or 'no way, I can't stand collared shirts,' that's not what this is about. This point is about having inflexible, rigid and hardened judgemental thinking that divides things into the good and bad categories with a double line between.

Conflict and the good/bad binary

I've been doing conflict resolution and mediation for most of my adult life. And I'm not young. Fairly often I work with people who are operating with an unexamined belief in dividing human behavior into the good/bad piles. And they can't get themselves to move past that thinking to look at the actual, multidimensional person in front of them.

A homeowner has a renter who is behind on the rent. "I was always taught you should pay your debts." says the homeowner. The renter has had difficulties. Some of those problems might have been self inflicted. "I saw wine bottles in the trash. He can afford wine but can't pay the rent." The renter would like some time, would like to explain, is sorry. The homeowner ,in his good/bad system of thinking, can't move from his spot to expand his thought process and to consider working things out.

Somewhere in the "I was taught.." part of the dialogue is a belief that the speaker is good and the other person, in this case the renter, is bad. As a mediator it is hard to work with a person like this, because somehow throughout their life this person has developed a very binary way of thinking.

Conflict resolution--put the good/bad away for a while

If you've got a conflict, be aware of the looming good/bad shadow. Turn the lights on so this shadow doesn't impact your ability to see the whole picture. The thing is. everyone is good and bad and everything else at the same time. Its not two sides of a two dimensional coin. Try to push your judgement of the other person as 'bad' out of the way. Try to look at the complexity, and multi layered parts that are woven into the conflict. And if you find yourself judging; well then push past the binary. It sounds like this: "I was always taught you should pay your debts, but I don't always manage to do everything I was taught and I've made mistakes before. I'd like to know more about what happened and understand a little better."

If you want to perpetuate conflicts, then stick with the good/bad method. You can be sure to have lots of conflicts that way. If, however, you'd like to get better at resolving conflicts, consider abandoning the good/bad thinking. Open up a new door to the fascinating way of looking with an open mind toward others, without judgement and with interest in the complexity and unexpectedness of our fellow humans.

Do this:

• No links or videos today, below are all the previous Working From Home topics. Feel free to share or revisit.

If you missed Day 1 through 25 check the previos blog posts

Have a great weekend. Thank your local farmer, the trash collector, Steamship workers and others who are in public service. And all the health care workers. Back on Monday.

I'm taking a staycation without the internet, phone or cable (well I think I might break down and watch netflix). No news all weekend! This is my gift to myself. Give yourself a gift, you deserve it.