Using the Competing Conflict Resolution style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

I TEND TO USE THE COMPETING STYLE

Using the Competing Conflict Resolution style

In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.

Competition conflict style is...

We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the competition style, located in upper left corner, then that's likely your go-to approach.

Everyone competes at times and it's great to have friendly competition--life is a challenge and sometimes we are in the situation where we are challenged to get ahead, win against all odds, drive to the top. For some people, though, the competitive style is the only way they know to approach conflict.

When is competitive conflict style a wise choice?

There are situations in which competition might be deemed to be the best method. For example:

• when there are personal differences that not likely to change

• when preserving relationships is not critical

• when others are likely to take advantage of noncompetitive behavior

• when conflict resolution is urgent; when decision is vital in crisis

• when unpopular decisions need to be implemented

Deciding to compete, while having other options from which to choose, can be an empowering choice and can resolve conflict.

Excessive Competing

Why do people tend to compete? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "The strategy of “competing” as a means of gaining power and control stems from early childhood and is reinforced throughout our years in school and college. Many children learn that they can obtain material objects as well as social control over people by using assertive, demanding or aggressive behavior. As they mature they use their talent to compete to “be the best”... or to socially compete to be popular and have status among peers. Some youth learn to deal with disagreements by persuading others to accept their position. Others use power negatively in the form of arguments, threats, intimidation, or physical fighting." As well, individuals who are targeted by prejudice or discrimination may develop competing as a coping mechanism for survival purposes.

When is competition not good?

If competition is the only way an individual knows to resolve conflict, it's a problem. If exclusively competing, the individual is putting their own needs ahead and above the other person's needs. Treating one's own needs as superior is not right. Everyone's voice should be heard and ideas should be shared and considered.

If you tend to be the kind of person who only competes, the idea is to develop more comfort in encouraging others to assert their own ideas and interests. It's hard to change old patterns. For someone who is used to aggressively pushing to get their own way, this may be difficult. See if you can find a partner and try role playing a conversation where your ideas and opinions are treated as an equal part of the conversation and where you consciously work to treat others more carefully-- not as people to dominate, but as partners who will share ideas to which you will listen. Find other venues for your competitive drive--competitive games are a healthy choice. Trying to win at all costs when a conflict arises, is likely to end up with bigger problem.

Do this:

• Read this article about the competitive conflict style

• If you tend to be an accommodator, look for people who tend toward competition around you. Try to assert yourself and encourage them to listen and include you more fully--a win lose is not really much of a fulfilling resolution.

• Stop over-competing, article here Too competitive?

Financial Conflict Coaching is Available!

Ken Andrichik, MVMP Board member

Finances are at the foundation of many disputes and conflicts. Individuals coming to the mediation table need a thorough understanding of their financial condition. Gaining that understanding often requires a deep examination of assets and liabilities, a more complete analysis than most people ever have to do. If you need assistance to get a handle on your situation, this article explains how the Martha’s Vineyard Mediation Program (MVMP) seeks to build financial knowledge in our community.

A keen knowledge of one’s financial condition is crucial. Without it, there is no way someone can truly understand their financial needs and interests as related to a conflict. MVMP’s financial conflict coaches can help people negotiate more effectively.

For example, mediators are finding that many parties in a divorce or separation matter need help to complete the required Family and Probate Court Financial Statement; a form seeking details about income, expenses, assets, and liabilities. MVMP has experienced volunteers ready to assist either or both parties to gather the necessary information, and more importantly, to understand their financial position. Often in relationships, one party takes primary responsibility for money matters. If that relationship is to be ended or altered, BOTH parties need that knowledge.

The volunteers can assist with explaining things like:

·     What are my true assets?

·     How liquid (or easily accessible) are those assets?

·     What is the total picture of my liabilities?

·     What would it mean to change the amount or frequency of payments?

Coaches are NOT advocating for either party. Parties ultimately decide for themselves whether an offer or proposal is in their best interest. However, people make more informed decisions if they have a deeper understanding of their current financial status.

Contact MVMP to seek assistance from a financial conflict coach to prepare for a mediation, during the mediation to understand the ramifications of a proposal, or after a mediation if revisions to an agreement become necessary. Many parties may need help in trying to assess how virus-disrupted jobs or income might impact one or both parties!

MVMP is also planning workshops to build financial knowledge generally. The National Financial Capability Study 2018 found that the financial literacy rate among Americans decreased significantly from a similar study in 2009. We want to assist our community members to build their knowledge.

Watch for our session on “Your Income and Expenses” a presentation using materials from the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation’s Money Smart for Adults series! Through education and financial coaching, MVMP wants our community to have the tools to effectively resolve conflicts.

DIGITAL WORLD AND CONFLICT

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

DIGITAL WORLD AND CONFLICT

What do we know about conflicts in the digital age?

Hear the text notification. Open the phone to your email. Look on facebook, instagram or snapchat. Ever had an emotional reaction in any of these digital environments? Of course, it's natural.

Historical perspective

Our human ancestors developed in small family groups, most people knew each other. Conflict was in person, and the result was a shared result. There was a mutual benefit to resolving conflict--the clan needed harmony in order to overcome the world's hostile forces.

The printing press expansion of reading capability meant that the written word could spread one person's ideas far beyond their community. A raging controversy could be spread out over a long period of time as dueling publications sparred. In the industrial age, radio and television sped up the process.

The internet has only been in common use for twenty years. Texting and smart phones for a bit more than ten years. Facebook is sixteen years old. So we are the first generation living in the digital age. And in a very different way than throughout history, conflicts are played out in public on social media and online.

Quick judgement

Our ancestors survived because of our human ability to make quick judgments, Danger! Friend! Foe! For most of our history we needed quick thinking to survive. Today's digital communication turns the issue of speed on its head. Scrolling through twitter posts we can encounter a vast array of ideas and opinions. But while sitting on our couch with the world's knowledge in our hands--we are still the result of our evolutionary drive for survival. We are quick to judge. And the resulting reaction often looks like moral outrage in the person who has found themselves in an online conflict.

Moral outrage

There's recent research into the online conflict cycle. The combination of the quick response, adrenaline filled jousting and human nature to be drawn to spectacle can be a toxic stew for conflict. In the podcast linked below you can hear a fascinating look into this process. There may be an addictive aspect. Understanding what forces draw certain people into these debates is a new area of study. Keep your eye on this.

Bias and discrimination

The digital age has driven a new form of the us and them ideology--where people who differ, disagree or are unfamiliar become them and only those with our own embraced attributes are deemed as us. The mean spirited racism, misogyny, anti-Semitism, homophobia, regionalism etc, etc, seem to be byproducts of the present age. As Devorah Heitner says in her article linked below, "There is the tendency to feel less empathetic when there’s a screen in between."

Is there any bright spot?

The internet and all its tools can be a great support for conflicts, despite all the above.

• Learning about the various ways that others live their lives through internet research.

• Keeping in touch to keep the lines of communication open through email. text or social media

• As we learn about the limitations of online messages, developing ways to be more careful about communication and removing conflict escalating language.

• Mediation, conflict coaching and conflict facilitation take place easily over online platforms--usually video or phone conferencing.

Some ideas here

While we are all home and online more than usual here's some tips for not stirring up conflict on line:

• Only allow yourself to write kind or neutral comments online.

• Be aware that text is missing tone and body language, be overly careful communicating by text or email.

• Walk away from online arguments, especially on social media.

• Pick up the phone or video chat for difficult conversations.

• Consider that anything your write on line lives forever.

• Use the internet to undo your preconceived notions about other people and cultures.

• Go out and take a walk in nature, with your mask and six feet apart if necessary.

Do this:

• Read or listen to this great information about moral outrage and the internet. Is online moral outrage like addiction? Listen here

• Even though this article is aimed at parents to help children, there's plenty of adults who might need it more. Conflict resolution & digital natives

• Look for websites or email newsletters with positive news and ideas. Examples: Yes newsletter Yes newsletter or Greater Good newsletter Greater Good

• Research the other side, sign up to read information from the perspective on the opposite side of your opinions.

NEW ATTITUDE - THE CONFLICT BUBBLE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

NEW ATTITUDE - THE CONFLICT BUBBLE

Use the Conflict Bubble

Let's do some guided imagery now.

Locate the conflict. What do you call it? How do you describe it? Let's give it a name.

Now let's take the conflict and put it into a container. Can you see it? What kind of a container did you choose?

Now that we've got it defined and packaged, let's take it and put it into the conflict bubble in the middle of the table.

How big is the conflict bubble now? Let's leave the conflict bubble right there in the middle of the table, and keep a good eye on it as we go along.

The magic conflict bubble

It's like the magician at the kids party who pulls a coin from the child's ear. But in this case the mediator isn't playing a trick. It's a shift of perspective that is crucial in order to make progress in resolving a conflict. Put the conflict in the middle and separate it from the person.

This is because, fairly often, a conflict between two people becomes associated with the other person--the fully formed and multi-dimensional person. The conflict and the person becomes entwined. We blame the person, as a person, and don't separate their actions, attitudes and mistakes from them as a valuable person. We look at the person and see their part in the conflict, as if they are one and the same.

Observing the bubble as it expands and contracts

In mediation sessions I am often referring to the conflict in the middle of the table. I looks like the conflict is expanding dramatically. or Let's watch language and stop putting fuel on the conflict. or What do you think, have we taken most of the air out of the bubble? It's looking a lot smaller to me now. This imagined object can help to mark progress toward resolution or the lack thereof.

The idea is to be soft on the person and hard on the problem. Soft on the person because you need them to work with you to solve the problem, and you want your conflict resolution partner to be in good shape and not diminished. And hard on the problem, because that's what you want to solve. And if you work together with the other person, you might come up with something wonderful together. Or at least try.

Some tips for using the conflict bubble

You don't need to be involved in a mediation to use the conflict bubble.

• Follow the steps above to remove the conflict from the other person. If you find the conflict and the person being merged after a while, do it again. The other person is not the conflict.

• Make a list of all the good qualities the person has, remember that they are a full human being.

• Draw the conflict bubble and put the conflict into it. There's something remarkable about the artistic process, it opens up your ability to see things differently.

• Look for people who are already doing this, they are around. The clues are they never blame, never shame and talk about actions and data and do not mix up these matters with the actual human being.

If you forget everything else, this is one to remember. Separate the problem from the person, put the problem in the conflict bubble. Be soft on the person and hard on the problem. Work on resolving the conflict and watch the conflict bubble deflate or disappear.

Do this:

• Watch a video. This one which raises the idea of interests as well as separating people from problem- Workplace conflict resolution

• Watch this video from the movie Marriage Story. Write a list about what's great about the other person, If things are really difficult, read it to the other person. Do it, don't keep it to yourself. The list

• Watch another video. This is William Ury, world renown conflict resolution and negotiation specialist with lots of ideas including Separate person from problem

• Read this article. Separate the person from the problem.

If you missed Day 1 through 18 check out the previous blog posts.

Have a great weekend. Thank your health care worker, cleaner, teacher, store clerk and others who are in public service. Back on Monday.

Thanks Dawn for the conflict bubble, the one in the picture. A gift much appreciated.

Yesterday the planet lost many people-each of them valuable. One was my colleague in the NYC school where I served before I retired. She died of Covid 19. Every life is important. Sandra, we will miss you.

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - IDENTITY

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - IDENTITY

Your identity and conflicts are related

Self identity

Tell me a bit about yourself. The question causes all of us to search through multiple identities. Parent? Spouse? Boomer? Immigrant? We all self-identify. Some of these identities are obvious, based on something out of our control: 1980s baby, tall, Spanish speaker. Others are based on our life choices: teacher, soccer player, parent. We all self identify and may have private identities that we only share with those who we hold close: fearful, stoic, snorer. As our lives move forward, our identities shift and change and we try our best to catch up

Public identity labels

Other people in our lives define us and ascribe identities to us that we accept or don't --or don't even know about: Smart, great organizer, good neighbor. Or not such nice identities: silly, unappealing, not one of us. Sally and Richard are best friends and do many things together. Often folks refer to each of them as husband or wife. People look, decide an identity and, without malice, label them as something other than they actually are.

The concept of othering is related to identity. This is when people set up an us and them binary. They turn a group of people, based on their identity, as the other. In a later posting we will focus on the concept of othering. For now let's just say, try hard not to do this. It's hurtful.

The conflict iceberg

The conflict iceberg gives us a good perspective on where the values are in relationship with any conflict. Richard is strongly attached to his identity as, let's say, a Martha's Vineyard resident (nope- not getting into the washashore, Islander, lifelong vineyarder question--not me). Something comes up that challenges this identity. If Richard strongly connects to this aspect of his identity, the conflict will be a stronger conflict for him. If Richard sees his Martha's Vineyard residency as a minor part of who he is, the conflict might be a small one, or maybe not even a conflict at all.

We can't see below the surface to see a clear picture of the other person's identity, in the section of the iceberg that is hidden. So we have to pay close attention and try to be aware of how other's see themselves and how their competing identities are playing out in the midst of a controversy. Sometimes people are surprised that they, themselves, are so attached to an aspect of their identities. That's why the rule is: the bigger the conflict, the slower you move. You have to study the other person and yourself and think about why the conflict has become so fraught. See Slow your roll

Identity groups

When we teach conflict resolution, we do an activity related to identity. Group yourselves with others who share your identity as.... People put themselves into a small groups and chat together. What's great about being .....? What's not so great? What do you never want to hear anyone say about people who are ..... These conversations are enlightening. "I never knew that ... people didn't want to hear..." say some people who are not in the group. "I felt powerful talking with my co-.... about what is great about who we are." "We are all something and we are all not something." was the comment of one of the recent participants.

Do this:

• Look at the identity wheel. Pick out your identities and try to put them into priority order. What identity is most important to you?

• Explore intrapersonal, Interpersonal, Intergroup and Transpersonal Identities.

• Talk to others in your life about how they identify. Try this especially with others who have different backgrounds that you are less aware of.

• Watch Taiye Selasie talk about her complicated identity. Where are you a local? Local