CONFLICT COMPONENTS - IDENTITY

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - IDENTITY

Your identity and conflicts are related

Self identity

Tell me a bit about yourself. The question causes all of us to search through multiple identities. Parent? Spouse? Boomer? Immigrant? We all self-identify. Some of these identities are obvious, based on something out of our control: 1980s baby, tall, Spanish speaker. Others are based on our life choices: teacher, soccer player, parent. We all self identify and may have private identities that we only share with those who we hold close: fearful, stoic, snorer. As our lives move forward, our identities shift and change and we try our best to catch up

Public identity labels

Other people in our lives define us and ascribe identities to us that we accept or don't --or don't even know about: Smart, great organizer, good neighbor. Or not such nice identities: silly, unappealing, not one of us. Sally and Richard are best friends and do many things together. Often folks refer to each of them as husband or wife. People look, decide an identity and, without malice, label them as something other than they actually are.

The concept of othering is related to identity. This is when people set up an us and them binary. They turn a group of people, based on their identity, as the other. In a later posting we will focus on the concept of othering. For now let's just say, try hard not to do this. It's hurtful.

The conflict iceberg

The conflict iceberg gives us a good perspective on where the values are in relationship with any conflict. Richard is strongly attached to his identity as, let's say, a Martha's Vineyard resident (nope- not getting into the washashore, Islander, lifelong vineyarder question--not me). Something comes up that challenges this identity. If Richard strongly connects to this aspect of his identity, the conflict will be a stronger conflict for him. If Richard sees his Martha's Vineyard residency as a minor part of who he is, the conflict might be a small one, or maybe not even a conflict at all.

We can't see below the surface to see a clear picture of the other person's identity, in the section of the iceberg that is hidden. So we have to pay close attention and try to be aware of how other's see themselves and how their competing identities are playing out in the midst of a controversy. Sometimes people are surprised that they, themselves, are so attached to an aspect of their identities. That's why the rule is: the bigger the conflict, the slower you move. You have to study the other person and yourself and think about why the conflict has become so fraught. See Slow your roll

Identity groups

When we teach conflict resolution, we do an activity related to identity. Group yourselves with others who share your identity as.... People put themselves into a small groups and chat together. What's great about being .....? What's not so great? What do you never want to hear anyone say about people who are ..... These conversations are enlightening. "I never knew that ... people didn't want to hear..." say some people who are not in the group. "I felt powerful talking with my co-.... about what is great about who we are." "We are all something and we are all not something." was the comment of one of the recent participants.

Do this:

• Look at the identity wheel. Pick out your identities and try to put them into priority order. What identity is most important to you?

• Explore intrapersonal, Interpersonal, Intergroup and Transpersonal Identities.

• Talk to others in your life about how they identify. Try this especially with others who have different backgrounds that you are less aware of.

• Watch Taiye Selasie talk about her complicated identity. Where are you a local? Local

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

Add this tool to your toolbox

Use Neutral Language

Words Matter

• "It was that one word he kept saying over and over."

• "She kept poking at the wound with her words."

• "The conflict would die down and then they would blame me another time and it would just flare up stronger."

Words matter. They particularly matter when there is a conflict. When mediators sit down to listen to disputants' stories, we often hear conflict accelerants such as; She always, or He is so stubborn, or They were being idiots. In these cases the mediators have a superpower they use. It's called reframing into neutral language.

Focus on the facts

The person is talking about something the other person does that they don't like. They start with she always, when talking about the other person. The mediator revises that statement back to the parties by saying something like:

• Sally has noted a pattern of ...(whatever the action is that is not liked).

Why is this important? The words she always, in this context adds fuel to the fire. The mediator, acting as the fire extinguisher, tamps down some of the heat and changes she always into Sally has noted a pattern. The mediator does this because the first phrase puts the recipient on the defensive, the second has the sound of a factual report.

Listen to your words

Do you accelerate conflicts with your words? When Richard had this pointed out to him he said, "What do you want me to do? Think about every word I say before I say it?"

Well, yes.

Some of us have never had to consider how our choice of words affect others. Now is a good time to do this. You or someone you know may think, 'well I am just plain spoken, I call things as I see them.' It is possible to be a straightforward speaker and still not make things worse.

Try Neutral Language

Try rephrasing what you start out wanting to say. Instead of You always do... (whatever is not liked) rephrase it to I'm wondering if we can find a way together to avoid ....(whatever is not liked).

Here's some words to avoid, not because they are bad words, but because they keep the conflict building. The recipient interprets them as an attack and then they go on the defensive. People attacking and defending are not resolving conflicts, they are in a war.

• you

• but

• always

• never

• should

• must

Instead of: Try:

• Is that really relevant?

• Ok. The point I hear you making...

• What is your point?

• Will you elaborate?

• I don't think that will work...

• Is this do-able?

• If you're going to raise your voice I won't listen to you...

• I have a hard time hearing what you are saying when you raise your voice.

• I wasn't the one who...

• Tell me more about that.

• I'm not that way!

• You're saying you experience me as...

• Why are you making this such a big deal?

• This seems really important to you.

Sounds like Kindergarten talk

Often when these ideas are raised, someone says. I can't say that, it sounds like the way they talk in kindergarten. It's sort of sad to hear this. Is it really true the only common space we treat each other carefully is when we are with young children? Hope not.

Don't use any language suggestions if they come across to you or others as superficial or condescending, that's for sure. If this is important to you, though, you can surely find a way to use more neutral language and improve your chances of resolving conflicts more quickly. Give it a try. Milk and cookies, nap time as well as talking kindly are good for everyone. So maybe the standard of kindergarten is a good place to start.

Do this:

• See last week on turning accusations into questions https://conta.cc/2JgUy8U

• Mediators' super power--reframing using neutral language: Reframe

• Reframing using neutral language in the workplace setting Workplace neutral language

• Primer on using non biased language Biased language to avoid

Using the Accommodation Conflict Resolution style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

I TEND TO USE THE ACCOMMODATION STYLE.

Using the Accommodation Conflict Resolution style

In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.

Accommodation is...

We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the accommodation style, located in lower right corner, then that's likely your go-to approach.

Everyone accommodates at times and it's great to be accommodated--life is a give and take and everyone puts the needs of others first at times. For some people, though, accommodation is all they know.

When is accommodation a wise choice?

There are plenty of situations in which accommodation is the best method. For example:

• Preserving relationships

• Supporting others

• Other person in position of authority or power

• Restore harmony

• Better to end the dispute and move on

• Provide customer service

Deciding to accommodate, while having other options from which to choose, can be an empowering choice and can help to resolve conflict.

Accommodating to a fault

Why do people tend to accommodate? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "These traits were probably ingrained during childhood and may be reinforced by family, religious or other values. Individuals who have a tendency to be accommodating prefer the harmony, goodwill and reciprocity that is often associated with this behavior trait and feel that it serves them well most of the time." As well, individuals who are targeted by prejudice or discrimination may develop accommodation as a coping mechanism for survival purposes.

When is accommodation not good?

If accommodation is the only way an individual knows to resolve conflict, it's a problem. If exclusively accommodating, the individual's needs are being subsumed and the other person's needs are being treated as superior. That's not right. Everyone's voice should be heard and ideas should be shared and considered.

If you tend to be the kind of person who only accommodates, the idea is to develop more comfort in asserting your own ideas and interests. It's hard to change old patterns. For someone who is used to going along with other's ideas, this may be difficult. See if you can find a partner and try role playing a conversation where your ideas and opinions are asserted as an equal part of the conversation.

Do this:

• Read this article about the accommodating conflict style

• If you tend to be competitive, look for people who tend toward accommodation around you. Try to pull back and encourage their full participation in making decisions and resolving conflicts.

• Stop over-accommodating, article here Stop over-accommodating

• Become more assertive From nice to assertive

IS BULLYING THE SAME AS CONFLICT?

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

IS BULLYING THE SAME AS CONFLICT?

Bullying & harassment = power over

Bullying experiences stick with us.

Sally has a memory she has held on to throughout her life. She is in her sixties now. She remembers her first Easter egg hunt when she was three years old. Arriving with her basket, she ran to gather candies. A booming voice from a big man hit her from behind, "Come here little girl. Bring your basket! " He motioned her to stand in front of him. Yelling, "Dump your basket. You didn't wait until I said 'go!' Rude little girl!"

There's more to the story, having to do with Sally's own reaction and her family's approaches. For now let's stick to the incident so indelibly etched in her memory six decades later. The big man, the booming voice, the word rude.

What is bullying?

Bullying can take many forms:

• verbal - threatening, name calling, put-down, sarcasm, yelling

• physical - punching, kicking, looming over or threatening physically

• psychological - excluding, manipulating, gaslighting

Bullying includes the component of power over another person. There are a number of ways to deal with bullying, but conflict resolution strategies are not included. See the difference between them in the contrasting explanations below.

Why can't you approach bullying like any conflict?

Bullying and harassment are based on a power difference or perceived power differential. Bullying is about power over another person. Conflict is between two equals or relative equals--power with another person. Look at this set of contrasting definitions from the National Bullying Prevention Center:

• Conflict is a disagreement or argument in which both sides express their views.

• Bullying is negative behavior directed by someone exerting power and control over another person.

When you look at the above contrasting explanations, you can see the stark difference. The use of conflict resolution techniques, mediation or facilitation is built upon the equality or approximate equality between all parties. With clear cut bullying, a conflict resolution structure can serve to re-victimize the targeted person. The response has to be a different one including legal or use of organizational/personal authority. As well, the Restorative Justice circle approach to uplifting the victim and restoring the victimizer to the community.

This is the Conflict Styles matrix. (See day 1 and day 6.). Along the left axis is the Assertiveness scale--and Bullying is off the Conflict chart. As you see above and outside of the Avoid, Accommodate, Compete, Compromise, Collaborate section is the Power Over territory.

I don't want to be a victim

There are laws and clear cut systems in place to address bullying. If in a workplace, there are laws that relate to ongoing and unaddressed patterns of this kind of behavior and the organization may have a procedure in place. Schools have been working to address these matters and continue to develop systems and structures. If in the home, domestic violence hotlines and social work organizations have approaches to help. If you want to address bullying and you are the target, seek help from powerful others who will help you to come up with a plan. The first step is to admit there is a problem.

I don't want to be a bully

If you are looking in the mirror and worried you might be looking at a bully, there are things you can do. Make this your self-improvement project. Seek help from a mental health professional and state your goal is to address this issue. Read everything about the topic. Tell the people around you that you are working to improve on this misuse of power. Look back through your life to find where you learned to use your power in this way. The first step is to admit there is a problem.

Put an end to bullying culture

In Sally's scene above, there was more to the story. An ally came to her defense. The bullying adult was addressed strongly by another adult. Be an ally to come to the targeted person's defense, if it is safe to do so. Call bullying and harassment by their names. We can end bullying if we all work together. Look below at the picture of all the little fish who were able to unite together. Use your own power when you can. Work with others when that is best. Try to not let bullying go unaddressed.

Do this:

• Look around for bullying and harassment. Noticing and naming something is an important first step.

• Have you been a bully or a victim of bullying/harassment? Seek help from others to work on your own approach to this.

• MVMP offers conflict coaching, a 1:1 coaching process, designed to help you make a plan to work with others to address bullying. We do not provide therapy but can make referrals.

• Read this and many other aspects at the National Bullying Prevention Website Bullying or Conflict?

• There's a series Anne with an E on Netflix now where a number of episodes show textbook examples of bullying toward the main character Anne. See the character Gilbert and others for examples of allies.

• Workplace bullying or harassment? Here's an article about the problem. Workplace bullying

• MVMP offers Restorative Justice facilitators who can help with the circle process.

NEW ATTITUDE: SLOW YOUR ROLL

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

NEW ATTITUDE: SLOW YOUR ROLL

The bigger the conflict...

the slower your roll

Slow your roll. Its a favorite image for conflict resolution. When there's a big conflict, sometimes your first instinct is to act quickly. Nip it in the bud. Cut to the chase. 1,2,3 and done.

Yes, if the issue is about safety or about a quick correction then quicker might be effective. If the conflict, though, is big and important; slower is better. There should be a correlation between the bigness of the conflict and slowness of your actions. Don't just roll along without careful consideration. Slow your roll.

Why slow?

We've mentioned in previous articles about aspects of conflict resolution that point to the need to reduce your speed. The need to remove your assumptions and consider the other person's perspective. The way the limbic/feeling part of the brain overtakes the cognitive and logical brain. The need to listen more carefully, The reality is, we will make more considered moves that have more chance of a better outcome if we slow things down.

Catch yourself before you can't

Like the rock on the incline, at some point if you can't slow or stop the speed of the conflict, your actions might make the conflict worse. And like the rock rolling down the hill, the effect of gravity and momentum will be hard to stop.

Some tips for slowing it down

What can you do if you are trying to learn to take it slower when a conflict arises? Here's a few ideas that might be helpful. Figure out what works for you.

• Take your time and think about the conflict and all its aspects. Use a conflict analysis tool.

• Go to the balcony--either metaphoric or real--and look down on the situation to see it from above.

• Sleep on it.

• Breathe in for 5 slow counts, breathe out for 8. This is a tried and true method that helps to clear your mind. When things get bad, we often forget to breathe. Oxygen helps.

• Count to 10 or 20 or 100. For some just the process of taking this brief break can be effective.

• Walk away, take a walk to clear your head and move your body.

• Write it out. What is happening in the conflict? Put the words on paper. The writing process uses other brain centers and can open a new perspective.

• Talk to someone trusted. Define the conflict and ask them to help you come up with a few ideas.

• Walk in the other person's shoes. Take a moment to try to talk about the conflict from the other person's point of view.

Here's a mnemonic to help from the article below:

• Setting a positive and collaborative tone

• Listening and acknowledging feelings, emotions, and experiences

• Observing and organizing from an outside perspective

• Working to find a creative, win-­‐win solution

If you forget everything else, this is one to remember. If you have a big conflict, slow things way, way down. Slow your roll.

Do this:

• Watch a video. Remember Gilda Radner's Emily Litella? If too young, here's a clip of someone who does the opposite of slowing things down- Never mind

• Watch another video. This is William Ury, world renown conflict resolution and negotiation specialist with lots of ideas including Go to the Balcony.

• Read this article using the SLOW mnemonic.

If you missed Day 1, 2 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10 and 11 here they are:

Day 1 Thoughts about conflict https://conta.cc/3d565pG

Day 2 Conflict Styles https://conta.cc/38URE4h

Day 3 Listening https://conta.cc/38Z4rTj

Day 4 Feelings https://conta.cc/33uxop7

Day 5 Change yourself https://conta.cc/2wrCd6h

Day 8 Conflict stages https://conta.cc/2wA8rMG

Day 9 Learned conflict styles https://conta.cc/2y4ySup

Day 10 Accusations into questions https://conta.cc/2JgUy8U

Day 11 Underlying needs https://conta.cc/39j5AFd

Have a great weekend--or the rest of the weekend, this is going out late.

Looks like we will be at this sheltering in place for a while, hope you can forward this to someone who might find it helpful.