MVMP to Waive Mediation and Conflict Coaching Fees through June 2020

Nancy Grundman, Program Coordinator

As we all continue to comply with guidance to stay home until the public health crisis has improved, we would like to let you know what is happening with MVMP. We are continuing to provide our Conflict Coaching and Mediation services by conference call or by video conferencing. 

We have also been able to continue with many of our courses, trainings and workshops. We recently finished our Conflict Coaching class and are finishing up our Conflict Resolvers Course geared towards those individuals involved in public service. Both have continued through video conferencing. We will be rescheduling our Intro to Mediation class to the Fall. If you are interested in signing up please email us. 

Our Youth Mediators continue to meet through video conferencing to continue their training. Technology has given us the ability to continue operating even though everyone is in different places.

We, at MVMP, understand how stressful life is presently, 

• some are learning new ways of working remotely and a new way to deal with colleagues, 

• some are dealing with new financial realities,

• some are dealing with family issues, and

• some have previously unresolved small claims cases.

In solidarity with the Island Community and in order to do our part, MVMP will waive its fees for Conflict Coaching and Mediation Services until the end of June. We are committed to continue to help Islanders. As our tag line says, We Can Work it Out!

If you would like to make a donation to MVMP please go to MVmediation.org and go to Donate.  

MATCHING THE RIGHT CONFLICT TO THE RIGHT SERVICES

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

MATCHING THE RIGHT CONFLICT TO THE RIGHT SERVICES

Which conflicts are appropriate for which conflict services?

You may not have noticed it but we are all always swimming in conflict. We are so used to it, we don't notice that we have conflict all around. Its like the fish who encounters another fish who then asks "how's the water?" The first fish replies "water, what's water?"

Internal conflict, interpersonal conflict, workplace conflict, political conflict, spiritual conflict, historical conflict, international conflict, family conflict and on and on. There's a lot of conflict going around. Conflict can be depleting and demoralizing. In our work, we want to counter this common impression and to instead help people to see conflict as an opportunity to learn, grow, gain deeper understanding and to develop new innovation. Human history and development has been fueled by conflict and humanity's drive to overcome adversity. We have a hopeful approach to conflict.

Which services, systems and tools are the right ones for each different conflict job? Here's a quick overview.

Internal conflict

We all have internal conflict and there are various ways to make decisions. Most of us respond to internal conflict by puzzling it out on our own, weighing pros and cons, researching and giving our personal conflicts some time to become clear in our own minds. When a life pattern becomes a problem we might seek help from others such as support groups or friends and family. When difficult behavior patterns have negatively impacted the quality of our lives, a therapist, counselor or other professional can provide needed support. When patterns of handling conflict are the source of the internal conflict, conflict coaching can be helpful so the individual can work with a coach to develop new approaches to conflict.

Interpersonal Conflict

When a conflict arises that needs to be resolved between people, there is a continuum of how to handle that conflict. One individual involved can use conflict resolution strategies and reach out to the other person and negotiate a resolution. A trusted and neutral person can facilitate a discussion between the conflicting parties--creating a more positive environment for communication and shared understanding. Formal mediation may be needed, where a qualified and neutral mediator works with the disputants through a structured protocol.

When interpersonal conflict rises to a higher level, the process of conciliation/settlement conference can be the needed approach--usually within the legal framework and based upon law and legal precedents. Arbitration is a formal process that happens outside of court, but within the bounds of the legal system with an arbitrator--basically a privatized judge--deciding the outcome. At the farthest end of this continuum, we see court and legal rulings as the decision-making structure.

On this continuum (see below) we move from left to right, from fully self-determined to fully not self-determined outcomes. Picking the place to start is the important decision--unless you are looking for a legal ruling or to set a precedent in the law--farther over to the left would generally make the most sense. Community mediation programs can offer facilitation, mediation and conciliation services and help to empower the disputants and preserve their self determination.

Bullying, Harassment, Coercion and Manipulation

Last week we talked about bullying as a set of behaviors that are off the conflict resolution chart. Harassment, coercion and manipulation are there too--beyond the realm of conflict resolution services. These syndromes are based on the bully attempting to have power over another person--and these situations are not likely to be resolved through a solely mutual process. They must be handled by those in power, in alliance with the person being harmed. This is where the boss, principal, police and criminal justice system have to provide support for the intended victim. Once the situation is well in hand, the restorative justice system can be used in order to restore the dignity to the affected person and allow the offender to earn their way back to community acceptance.

Societal conflict

Public awareness, social movements, political involvement, community empowerment, economic advocacy, environmental activism are approaches to bigger and more structural conflicts in our world. Its important to pull the lens wider out to look at these societal conflicts in order to fill in the conflict picture. For those who are the targets of a structural system that causes discrimination and degradation, the individual conflicts are not easily solved in a case by case basis. The societal structure is the cause of the conflict. Looking back on social movements in the past that struggled to overcame such unfair structures, we can see that these movements are a part of the full spectrum of conflict resolution.

Do this:

• Review the various services and methods of conflict resolution. Can you see places in your life and community where these services would be helpful?

• Are you familiar with restorative justice? Here's a quick explanation. Restorative justice

• What's mediation? Mediation

• What's arbitration? Arbitration

• What's conflict coaching? Conflict Coaching

• Take a moment to look at all the conflict around you. Don't forget the political, economic and historical conflict upon which your life is built. Instead of hiding from conflict, try to find as many conflicts as you can. Write, draw or otherwise depict yourself swimming in conflict.

• We are part of a statewide network of Massachusetts community mediation programs. Take a look. Resolution MA

NEW ATTITUDE - BANISH THE GOOD/BAD DUO

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

NEW ATTITUDE - BANISH THE GOOD/BAD DUO

No More Good/Bad Binary

Right • Wrong

Wonderful • Despicable

Angelic • Devilish

Acceptable • Unacceptable

Right • Wrong

We've been taught to think of most things in terms of the binary. Meaning two. The unity of opposites. Ever heard these sayings, 'Two kinds of people in the world,' or 'There's a right way and a wrong way,' or 'Its not complicated, its either good or its bad.' We've all heard these ideas. Let's look at them a bit more closely and see what their effect is on our daily life and its inevitable conflicts.

This is not about opinion. You've got an opinion and want to call something good or bad , like 'beets are sooo good!' or 'no way, I can't stand collared shirts,' that's not what this is about. This point is about having inflexible, rigid and hardened judgemental thinking that divides things into the good and bad categories with a double line between.

Conflict and the good/bad binary

I've been doing conflict resolution and mediation for most of my adult life. And I'm not young. Fairly often I work with people who are operating with an unexamined belief in dividing human behavior into the good/bad piles. And they can't get themselves to move past that thinking to look at the actual, multidimensional person in front of them.

A homeowner has a renter who is behind on the rent. "I was always taught you should pay your debts." says the homeowner. The renter has had difficulties. Some of those problems might have been self inflicted. "I saw wine bottles in the trash. He can afford wine but can't pay the rent." The renter would like some time, would like to explain, is sorry. The homeowner ,in his good/bad system of thinking, can't move from his spot to expand his thought process and to consider working things out.

Somewhere in the "I was taught.." part of the dialogue is a belief that the speaker is good and the other person, in this case the renter, is bad. As a mediator it is hard to work with a person like this, because somehow throughout their life this person has developed a very binary way of thinking.

Conflict resolution--put the good/bad away for a while

If you've got a conflict, be aware of the looming good/bad shadow. Turn the lights on so this shadow doesn't impact your ability to see the whole picture. The thing is. everyone is good and bad and everything else at the same time. Its not two sides of a two dimensional coin. Try to push your judgement of the other person as 'bad' out of the way. Try to look at the complexity, and multi layered parts that are woven into the conflict. And if you find yourself judging; well then push past the binary. It sounds like this: "I was always taught you should pay your debts, but I don't always manage to do everything I was taught and I've made mistakes before. I'd like to know more about what happened and understand a little better."

If you want to perpetuate conflicts, then stick with the good/bad method. You can be sure to have lots of conflicts that way. If, however, you'd like to get better at resolving conflicts, consider abandoning the good/bad thinking. Open up a new door to the fascinating way of looking with an open mind toward others, without judgement and with interest in the complexity and unexpectedness of our fellow humans.

Do this:

• No links or videos today, below are all the previous Working From Home topics. Feel free to share or revisit.

If you missed Day 1 through 25 check the previos blog posts

Have a great weekend. Thank your local farmer, the trash collector, Steamship workers and others who are in public service. And all the health care workers. Back on Monday.

I'm taking a staycation without the internet, phone or cable (well I think I might break down and watch netflix). No news all weekend! This is my gift to myself. Give yourself a gift, you deserve it.

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - VALUES

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - VALUES

What are your personal values?

The conflict iceberg

The conflict iceberg gives us a good perspective on where values are in relationship with any conflict. Felix holds strongly to his value in the importance of family and and thinks its important to stay close with his family members on Martha's Vineyard. He also holds a competing value in being an independent gay man. One value seems to be guiding him to move off Island to a southern city with an urban experience. The other value presses him to stay on the Island close to his sister and the next generation. This is a conflict. Much of this internal conflict between values is playing out under the surface.

We can't see below the surface to see a clear picture of the other person's values, in the section of the iceberg that is hidden. So we have to pay close attention and try to be aware of how other's values play out in the midst of a controversy. Sometimes people are surprised that they, themselves, are so strongly driven by one or another set of values. That's why the rule is: the bigger the conflict, the slower you move. You have to study the other person and yourself and think about why the conflict has become so fraught. See Slow your roll As well, you will need to inspect values when you work to Analyze conflict

Conflicts are driven by values

Pick a conflict, any conflict. You don't have to look too deeply to see that the conflict is being fueled by each individual's values. In mediation we often hear, that 'its the principle' that is driving the energy around the conflict. Principles and values are relatively synonymous in this case. Fairness, truthfulness, attention to details, paying your debts. Put two divergent sets of values up against each other in a situation and presto, you've got a conflict. If individuals don't have a value that is being challenged, generally, there is not much of a conflict.

Do this:

• Look at the big list of values below. Pick out your strongly held personal values. Try to put them into priority order. What value is most important to you? Where is it located in your life?

• Explore values in these articles. Values and values meaning.

• Talk to others in your life about their values. Try this especially with others who have different backgrounds that you are less aware of.

• Look back on your past life. Have your values evolved since your childhood? Which values do you want to hold in the future?

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - ANALYZING CONFLICT

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - ANALYZING CONFLICT

Add this tool to your toolbox

Use a conflict analysis checklist to understand a conflict

Analyze Conflict

Like any area of study, conflict can be analyzed. In the case of the do-it-yourself conflict analysis model, it comes in the form of a checklist. Each bullet point is an area to think about, gather related data and consider ideas beyond your first impression.

When you are thinking about the different ideas on the conflict analysis checklist, take some uninterrupted time to think a bit more deeply than usual. For some, writing ideas out can help. For others, drawing what they come up with is another way. Some people thrive on verbalizing--record your ideas into your phone or recorder.

Pick a conflict that really has you stumped. Use the conflict analysis checklist and work your way through it. Put it aside for a day. Pull it out a day or more later and think about any new ideas. One really interesting process is to do this before bed. The sleep on it lore has real merit. Your brain keeps functioning during sleep and you might wake with a new perspective on a problem.

Conflict Analysis checklist

Step One. Begin by figuring out what happened.

• What is the story?

• What is the backstory?

• Where are things now?

Step Two. Try to remove your initial bias, judgements or assumptions.

• Open up to the possibility that your first reaction might be entirely wrong.

• Are you biased? Toward or against what?

• Have you already made a judgment? Can you put your judgement aside?

• What are your assumptions? Can you put your assumption aside?

Step Three. Define the conflict topics

• The conflict is about...

Step Four. Find the conflict trigger

• What was the the conflict trigger, the moment when you knew this was a conflict that matters to you?

Step Five: Figure out each person's goals

• My goals in this conflict are...

• The other person's goals in this conflict are...

Step Six: Look at the conflict through three lenses.

• This conflict is related to my needs in the following way...

• This conflict is related to my values in the following way...

• This conflict is related to my self-identity in the following way...

Step Seven. Consider the power relationship

• My power base in this conflict comes from...

• My lack of power in this conflict is related to...

• Power for the other person is connected to...

Step Eight. My conflict theory about why this conflict is happening

• I think this conflict is happening because…

What do you know now?

That's it

Wait that's it? After I answer all these questions and think about all these aspects of conflict, what's the answer? That's what analysis helps with, thinking about your own approach and opening new ways of looking at a conflict that has stumped you. The above concepts are components of each important conflict. By going through the checklist, the idea is to see new ways of handling conflict. In the process you are able to open up to creative possibilities and new ways of going forward.

Conflict Coaching services

Martha's Vineyard Mediation and many other community mediation programs have Conflict Coaching available for those who want help in analyzing conflict. In our CLAMSHELL model we work 1:1 with clients over the course of two one-hour sessions, to work through the process of analyzing a particular conflict scenario. The goal is for the client to leave with a clear and self-determined plan to improve their approach to conflict. If you would benefit from working with a Conflict Coach, reach out to schedule an appointment, or to ask questions.

Do this:

• There are lots of ways to analyze conflict, try some other approaches Conflict analysis approaches Its a pretty long article but if you page through there are few fun exercises.

• Really interesting TED talk about conflict resolution--engaging conflict intentionally. This talk is a real treat, give it 10 minutes, you'll enjoy Robin Funsten's presentation.

• Build your relationship with the person with whom you have conflict. You're stuck at home together, why not? Pick a conflict and go through the checklist independently and then share your responses.